Top five ways to make your shopping experience in Toronto the best of the year!

Toronto is the City of Light!  Here are the top five ways to make your shopping experience in Toronto the best of the year!

Do not travel alone.  Scientific studies show that random stabbers avoid groups of three or more, preferring single targets.  They attack from behind, and having more eyes on vigilant watch, reduces the danger of attack to below a level acceptable to cash flow strapped merchants. 

Do not complain.   The staff shuffled off to complaint desks tend to be drug addicts in business for themselves.  They have sexual tastes different from yours, and a culture of entitlement to love.  Best save your complaints for online, where human bodily fluids cannot be sprayed around.  

Do not eat the food.  Agenda driven students embrace anger management techniques like sharing their psych meds in with the meatloaf.  Pretty much any munchkin with sore feet has sufficient motivation to do a nose wad into your oatmeal.  Maybe they like you instead, and sharing some urine in your cap is a nice gesture.  

Do not show your money.  Toronto has a catch and release system of crime husbandry, and purse snatchers are frequently released back into the pool.  Even things that resemble money or credit cards are sufficient to draw in an attack.  Nobody will help; they will walk away.  You will have a few seconds from the time you smell their stench to curl into a protective ball. 

Do not leave your car.  Carjackers can attack you as you drive to or from shopping.  They work in gangs, and like to throw buckets of urine around.  Keep your doors locked and windows up.  Get the anti-terrorist package on your car.  Homeless gangs infest parking lots.  They can take your groceries and take a dump on your drivers seat in the time it takes to take back a shopping cart.  

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.  I care.