Top 5 household radiation leak hacks

Now that the bug eating government has convinced everyone that the law is myopic and fickle, you can use all your favorite radioactive kitchen accessories.  Open borders shipping means you can access a diversity of goods and devices.  And do not talk about all the wonderful stuff you can get with your rubles.  Anyway, you need to know the Top 5 household radiation leak hacks.

1) Dummy Spices.  Kitchen snobs know that their display spices quickly age or host fungus colonies.  Hence, the demand for radioactive dummy spice display items.  These never look old, emit a pleasant aroma of cooking spice,  and, are wildly sensitive to solar flares.  When your spice rack pops off, you know a solar flare is coming, and you can get down to your lead lined basement. 

2) Geiger Counter.  The best thing for spotting battery spill from household atomic devices.  Taking a Geiger counter to the supermarket is a great way to get the fatty on your Christmas list to lose weight.  Alternately, you can take the Geiger counter to the supermarket to select those choice items that are excellent sources of alpha and beta particles, which Climate Science Experts re-imagine as Vitamins.  

3) Know the symptoms of Radiation sickness.  Knowing which symptoms to lie about will get you preferential treatment in our rainbow haired health care system; Alternately, you should know which symptoms to avoid which will get you a MAiD pillow over the face.  If you do spot symptoms of radiation sickness in yourself, just tell the pink hairs that your painful woke bum hurts and you will get a bottle of Elvis, a brochure on the joy of rimming,  and, a can of bedbug spray.  

4) Have a place to handcuff yourself to the pipes under the sink.  If you have been vaccinated, you will mutate faster.  When you get back on your feet, all four of them, you will be close to home.  Maybe keep a leather shoe handy, for something to chew on when you slough your skin. 

5) Have a shrunken head wall hanging.  The paint on the beads that you braid into the hair of your diversity shrunken head can show signs of low level radiation, especially Xenon.  The trace Chromium captured in the smoking of the shrunken head over a camp fire is especially sensitive to microwave radiation leaks.  The shrunken head will subsequently erupt in boils and spurt pus if your microwave is leaking.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.  I care.