Horoscope for the week of December 17, 2023

There is no preparation for the unexpected.  Maybe Santa really does exist and does not like being cancelled by people with hearts of coal.  A comedy of 'self goal with keyboard' starts a fuse with the dawn on Tuesday.  Public opinion turns against public officials; secret combinations form amongst the praetorians.  Santa's reign begins at the end of this week, on Sunday. Santa has a list. Ho ho ho. Astrology gives you the heads up on when to keep your head down.  What is in store for you this week...

Aries:  An external crisis motivates others around you to screw up, and you are the white knight on call.  Choose a place to be if zombies show up, Tuesday.   The mob is motivated by an ideology that no longer works.  They do not even have the same 'big picture' as you, Aries.  You already have the answer, clever Aries.  Wealth will flow towards you in future based on the seeds you plant this week.

Taurus:  Good fortune comes to you in poorly wrapped packages.  Strangers can be relied upon to walk past bargains.  On Wednesday, you will find a discarded treasure; this will be close to home.  High noon Thursday, things are backwards, and a tower is cast down.  

Gemini: You do not need to reach out this week, Gemini.  They will be reaching out to you.  Check and retain your receipts.  Get it in writing.  You have an appointment with destiny on Friday, at dawn.  Your are a conduit for the Greater Good.  Your gift is to put into words what the People are thinking.  Ridiculous savings for coupon clippers. 

Cancer: Your supernatural powers manifest as precognition.  Monday, you can direct the flow of water with your mind; Wednesday, pick and choose for spontaneous human combustion; Friday, abandon yourself to debauchery.  Bring your own bread, and enjoy the circus that is the internet. 

Leo:  A task assigned this Monday will never get finished because on Wednesday the goal posts get moved.  As for Friday, taskmasters start to have precognition about the fate of people who offend Santa.  Hide the model guillotine you have on your desk.  Your cat loves you.

Virgo:  Are you the message, the messenger, the recipient, or, the author?  Four things here, and other people are going to confuse their way into a bag of wet flour trying to push you from one role to the other.   Your mastery of the fundamental formula of cement is to your advantage on Wednesday.  You are the one true aggregate, Virgo.

Libra:  This being in a state of equilibrium is nice.  Stay away from people on Tuesday; their lack of equilibrium is catchy.  Mind you, watching other people act badly is entertaining.  Kinda funny too.  People who smell bad always hang out where you do not want to go.  Thursday, the evil that resides in computers .  

Scorpio: You get caught up in the 'bad people do good things' drama.  A good entry into politics is to run for the office of Witchfinder in your community.  Write your name on some dollar bills and spend them.  You will be gobsmacked how quickly it comes back to you.  Money has memory, and this kitten will come back for a saucer of milk.  You are the saucer of milk, Scorpio.   

Sagittarius:  Russian Army been kind of quiet lately.  I guess they are pretending to be dead.  Is this really a concern of yours?  Sensible footwear that appeals and says 'allure' is what you need for ball room or barn yard.  Incredible bargains are at your fingertips, Sagittarius.  High noon on Friday, you have an appointment with destiny.  Winning the lottery is fun.

Capricorn:  You will have a profound spiritual experience Sunday at midnight. You will obtain conscious comprehension of your ability to become invisible.  The perfect writing pens come into your control.  Guard your source for this resource. Franchise the territory and expect bootleg organ broker profits! 

Aquarius:  Be reassured Aquarius, you have all the stuff you need.  When the test tube breaks, sometimes there is a bad smell.  On Thursday, someone has a bad experience with time travel, but you are on hand to make it better.  

Pisces: Thursday, things that look nice in a picture are not so nice in person.  You will be witness to an incident in the vicinity of the candy display.  The tide has turned, the exposed sea bed has lost treasures and forgotten secrets for you to sample.  

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.  I care.