Crystal Ball. No longer a trade mark of Accountants, Actuaries can now flaunt their career building loyalty to woke by using a Crystal Ball. You can change the color of the silk cloth cover to reflect whatever in thing is being celebrated or protested. Crystal balls make great lenses for your personal in office surveillance camera so you can find out who is having sex in your office after hours.
Ouiji board. Actuaries can overcome their white supremacy by pointing to the fact that it takes a community of fingers to steer the pointer to the best answer. You can use your in office surveillance camera to record your seances, and blame any poor results on a pre selected victim.
Augury. While most actuaries already use palmistry as an ice breaker at meetings, career advancing actuaries know that reading the lines on a warm, fresh liver is more dramatic and truthy. Deadlines and goal posts can be moved with impunity by appeal to mumbo jumbo. Arbitrary selection of victims can advance your constructive dismissal of rivals. And remember, the meat of animals sacrificed to Baal is vegan.
Astrology. You can easily replace difficult concepts with astrological lingo and avoid being accused of using 'big words' or 'insensitive language'. Impressive charts that appeal to the ability challenged can lubricate your way to the results you want, free from the shackles of mathematical slavery.
Dope. Everyone takes dope at work now. With the release of Dune, actuaries want to cultivate that mentat image. It is edgy and sexy. Get ahead of the trend and take drugs for performance enhancement and get your health plan to pay for your stone, too! Actuaries can become the office connection for the mentat blend of testosterone, methamphetamine, and, Vitamin C.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
I met a fellow at a party who told me he was an actuary. He told me his brother was also an actuary. I asked him, "What are the odds?"
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