Here at Mitchieville, we care. There is always someone late to your Xmas list, so here are the Top 5 last minute Xmas gifts.
1) Irish Citizenship. It is 2023 and everybody has Canadian citizenship, already. As a gift, it is toilet paper grade. You do not want to insult people. So, why not just stock up on Irish Citizenship certificates? They are cheap, and you can manipulate some weepy white guilt slurper into paying your airfare to wherever Ireland is to pick up your other perks. From Ireland you can get to wherever else you have citizenships.
2) Ouiji Board. Nothing evokes the deep spiritual meaning of Xmas than a new Ouiji board! Always get an Ouiji Board with auto translate, so people can connect up with their spirit animal. People like to transition into their fetish animal and use the Ouiji board to find fuck buddies. What could be more Xmas than that?
3) Tarot Cards. One of the most accurate sources of news today, the gift of a new deck of Tarot cards is not only cheap, but progressive! Try to find a deck that does not have the word "trump" on it because that is far right hate, trying to associate 'trump cards' with the Donald. Only the left is allowed to use underhanded messaging, comrade! Let the Tarot guide you like it guides our worm tongue media!
4) Life Insurance. If you really care about someone, you should put a policy on them and make yourself the beneficiary. That way you know you will have the resources to help their mourning loved ones. Maybe not tell them. If you have noticed that you are only gifting the progessives around you, remember to get "Act of God" coverage. And get the upgrade of "Died Suddenly" to double indemnity for the few remaining vaxxed on your list.
5) Used boots for public transit. You really only use a pair of boots once in a curb stomping. They get so messy. It is like public transit here in Tkaronto: when a dog walker lets the pack shit in the cars and on the platforms, it gets tracked around. You can clean your turd encrusted fetish gear at work, but who wants to ruin a new pair of boots? Give them some used ones.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
Concerning item #1 on the official Michieville Christmas Gift selection guide, I feel it's important that if you are to take on Irish (Or welsh, English, or especially Scots) citizenship that you have the foresight to bring your own girl to the UK or to its associated provinces or depts. or whatever they call the outlying areas over there.
ReplyDeleteNo woman folk from the UK or its associated provinces or depts or outlying areas has ever won a Miss Universe or Miss World contest. Actually from the mid 50's to mid 60's the Scots stopped sending any contestants to these pageants as well, "they know, they already know" that their women folk barely make the grade and hence already know that if they weren't giving it away/up for practically free, they'd never snare themselves a man.
About a decade past, the English thought they had a formidable contender as a woman type had emigrated to England from Colombia which is no slouch for beauty having come in second multiple times behind the home class of Miss Whatever winners from Venezuela, which is like the Venezuelans version of hockey to Canadians. They're really good at this sort of thing over there.
Anyways, the gal from Colombia seemed to lose a bit of beauty just by being in England and didn't win which is the same as any old gal from those islands does. It's a bit like sometimes Canadians do well at the Summer Olympics in short running events and then you hear them speaking and they're always, "oh and I want to say a great hello to my family back in Jamaica" and you just know they don't find that get up and go in Winnipeg or St. Catherines uff.
So, bring your own gal if you're moving to Ireland. The local efforts aren't all that and their spoken linguistic skills aren't either.
Though they're good at making whiskey. Which you'll need if you end up having to marry a hag from Dublin or Derry.
Note I don't hate the Irish, not at all. I simply feel sorry and a little bit bad for them, and frankly I'm not used to feeling bad for too many folks and well it's no wonder they drink like they do.