Never interrupt an enemy when they are making a mistake.
The mistakes they make provide great insight.
Narcissists thrive on attention.
Things that used to work (censorship, dog whistles, bread and circuses) now backfire.
I will return to writing horoscopes after the latest round of mistakes is finished. No need to warn them, eh what?
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
Aries: Wednesday, at 4pm you will discover the transcendent power to access the full powers of your third eye through the meditative practice of gargling. Those not initiated into the mysteries will rationalize with talk about the 'vagus nerve', 'cortisol', and, such stuff. Being you, Aries, you can start right now. Gargling is the key!
Taurus: Wednesday, at 4pm, you will discover the transcendent power to access the full powers of your third eye through the meditative practice of singing. The dialectic contradiction of the 'immovable force' and the 'irresistible object' will find synthesis in your physical form. The world is hungry to bathe in your aura, Taurus.
Gemini: Wednesday, at 4pm, you will discover the transcendent power to access the full powers of your third eye through the meditative practice of humming. Your astute mind is already aware of the subtle difference between humming and mumbling. Unleash the full arsenal of your supernatural powers, Gemini!
Cancer: You were brainwashed by the forces of evil to limit your abilities, Cancer. Wednesday, at 4pm, you will witness what you were conditioned to think of as socially inappropriate behavior: gargling at the dinner table, singing whilst at the toilet, or, humming at work. What do these people know that you don't? And what evil intelligence warped your outcomes downward by not allowing you to learn of the powerful method of gargling meditation? Wednesday at 4pm, all will be revealed.
Leo: The week promises to be a series of pleasant experiences, although you should avoid crowds around Wednesday at 4pm. The events of that time will prove to be advantageous to you, when you integrate technology and insight. Use your powers of metacognition to spot the pattern. You deserve to be rich.
Virgo: Domestic concerns consume your energy this week, Virgo. Except for the uproar associated with the events on Wednesday at 4pm, when your world view is vindicated, although the majority come to your viewpoint after fleeing a 'mostly peaceful' mob. Pat yourself on the head, Virgo; none the less, it is back to refinishing furniture after that; although you will find hidden spaces where a previous tenant has hidden treasure.
Libra: Your big party on Wednesday will easily survive a serious faux pas thanks to your superior social skills, Libra. People want to enjoy themselves, but a wet blanket shows up; there is a hidden agenda: rage porn for click bait. Rethink your invitation strategy. Some class of person needs to be on the shit list, eh?
Scorpio: You have powers of discernment that border on the supernatural. Now that you are conscious of this, use your metacognition to access other abilities. The events worldwide that occur on Wednesday at 4pm will be both gratifying (you were right!) as well as inspire you to further glory. Best start to carry Imperial insignia in your knapsack of privilege.
Sagittarius: Implications of the letter of the law creep towards your judgement seat. Not this week, Sagittarius, but next. At 8am on Thursday you will be very fortunate while fishing. As the torpedo disappears off the stern remember the memo that warned of decoy torpedoes to provide cover for frogmen operations.
Capricorn: High noon on Thursday, mark the time in your calendar. Do not be distracted by the world wide social uproar that erupts on Wednesday at 4pm from taking advantage of a basket of goodies sent you by the Volcano gods.
Aquarius: The thwarted ability of The People to enjoy their justified rewards (on Wednesday at 4pm) will provide useful data for your Philosophy of Life. You can be smug and superior, but nobody will notice as they are busy fleeing for safety. You are already aware of the powerful meditation that embraces song, humming, and, gargling.
Pisces: Take stock of your first aid kit as having a well stocked bag of bandages and antiseptic potions will get you to the front of the line for the evacuation shuttle to the mother ship. Study some dash cam videos for a better understanding of just when you should be over cautious. Victory at sea comes to the commander who leads the boarding party.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
Aries: Around 9pm Sunday you will get to prove to yourself what you said was true about how you would deal with protesters blocking the path of your snow plow. Remember, the wood chipper you are towing might affect your traction. You get to try it all again around 6am next Saturday. Midweek promises an orgy by firelight with the old gang from college.
Taurus: The week starts off with you winning big with some investments: cash out quickly to avoid politically motivated tax persons who are themselves only a step ahead of vengeful normals. Wednesday finds you relaxing at a traditional 'two genders' orgy; if you last out until Friday, you will receive investment advice that will lead you to the retirement bunker of your dreams.
Gemini: An invitation to go parachuting on Tuesday leads rather predictably to your being caught up in international naval warfare. Your proven record of naval victories in past lives has caught up with you as the Archons need a ringer. Signed and stamped orders are what make the heels click and the wheels roll for victory. You will triumph.
Cancer: International conflict casts a shadow over your bargain hunting for perishable fruits this week, with a pleasant reprieve Wednesday and Thursday. Nobody will suspect that you pushed the most annoying person into the offoce airlock on Friday, so much so that you will find all their id, passwords, and, gym bag of escape money, waiting just where you thought it would be. Next week: go shopping for new shoes!
Leo: You will discover that your favorite computer game contains back door codes to control human behavior, put money in your bank account, and, manipulate the weather. Do not waste your breath trying to communicate this to people; they will not comprehend. It is your secret.
Virgo: Your doppelganger has been busy wreaking horrible revenge upon your enemies, but you have an alibi; infact, nobody even thinks it was you, or someone that looks like you (but has a more menacing taste in clothes and hairstyle).
Scorpio: A secret society with connections to extra terrestrial marketing interests has noticed your familiarity with Quantum mechanics. On Wednesday, expect an operative to appear with strange familiarity with the time manipulation capability of the Rubics cube to influence shopping decisions.
Sagittarius: After 7am on Tuesday you will have powers drawn from the pages of pulp science fiction of the 1920's. You know what I mean. Firm up your command of pleasing hors d'oeuvres on Wednesday and be the star of the mid week office party. Travel back in time to evaluate for yourself classic 1950's society, then make your decision, for you are the law giver this week Sagittarius.
Capricorn: You have one last week to finalize your plans for space colonization. A computer game you enjoy is really an economy design tool from an advanced extraterrestrial civilization. Keep those cheat codes to yourself.
Aquarius: Getting stuff done is what you will do this week, Aquarius. Obstacles to your legendary efficiency will find themselves assigned to the Asbestos mines as cafeteria workers. Wednesday, a distraction goes away, but with financial benefits to yourself. You will find the forgotten recipe to the worlds best date squares in a book.
Pisces: A final debt from a past life is paid in full this week, Pisces. Keep some Monopoly money handy as the symbolic gesture is what they are looking for. A secret society has been irritated by the same things you have, but their methods of solving the problem involve a sinkhole and a cataclysmic sewer backflow. Have your cell phone camera ready for use and you could go viral.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
Aries: That big kaboom you thought the week would start off with does not happen until Tuesday at midnight. The early morning of Wednesday should prove exciting, too. If you have lightning quick observation skills, you will see that it is new tech that was introduced just before the ka-boom that made the excitement happen. You are the spark plug of the zodiac this week, Aries!
Taurus: Your week begins at 5pm on Sunday with the discovery of a miracle attitude and food choice that gifts you with the body you deserve and the satisfaction of a good feed. Forgotten wisdom of the pioneers at your fingertips, Taurus! At 8pm Tuesday, space aliens show up, and disappear shortly thereafter. Better have your battery charged in your phone if you want to go viral.
Gemini: Your stealthy approach to the achievement of your goals is worthy of study by future historians, Gemini. You will have the documents, signatures, and, testimony all assembled by Thursday, and nobody who opposes you will be the wiser. Prepare for the praise of the mob: You path will be strewn with rose petals! You triumph, Gemini!
Cancer: Your assembled minions will gloat over the depth and breadth of your preparations from Sunday through Tuesday. You have earned and deserve every compliment. Festival begins right where you expected. Make a decision to join in, or just profit from the viral videos from your prepositioned network. Perhaps relax by the fireplace in your lair. Being the future regional warlord has its private pleasures.
Leo: You will begin to receive messages from another dimension on a more predictable basis after Tuesday at 10pm. You finally get the scheduling memo and whatever bug you cell phone calendar had goes away. What a relief! Rewatch the Star Trek episode 'The Return of the Archons' to understand what 'festival' is; try and do this before Tuesday. Your reward is free ice cream.
Virgo: After Tuesday, you can be all smug about how right you were about things. After Thursday, you will realize that you can get rich quick with your foresight. The pleasures of the flesh are presented to you at a banquet, and your bonus points from the supermarket can be used for debauchery. Keep a spare pair of slippers handy incase one gets swallowed by a snake.
Libra: You will stumble upon the worlds most insightful dating site on Tuesday; which leads to your enlightenment by Thursday. Not so much in your dating technique, but the perception of the true aspect of reality. You will begin to manifest supernatural powers by the weekend. You will never lose a sock again.
Scorpio: Only three weeks remain before your complete aspect is unleashed on an unappreciative world. Think of the next three weeks as soup and salad before the main course, which is your most wonderful self. You will be tempted by all the food, though. There is a danger you will plump up: be careful as you will need to fit into your robes for your Triumph.
Sagittarius: The people you warned other people about are set to put on a spectacle for your enjoyment starting Tuesday. You will enjoy every moment, but there is a danger of putting on a bit of weight, so try to avoid stuffing yourself. After Thursday, you have advantages in computer comprehension, and should be gifted complete control of the remote.
Capricorn: Three more weeks on the countdown until the final curtain is drawn on the Brave New World of the Aquarian Age. Use this week to, well, do nothing much. With all the robots and AI doing all the work you will reposition yourself on top of the mountain. Actually, earth movements and sea deposits will act in harmony to place you in your fortress of repose.
Aquarius: Your bicameral mind doubles in power this week, Aquarius. Your fears of mind control weapons are laid to rest Wednesday at 1am, when these weapons are used to advance freedom, justice, and, the American way. The temptations of the flesh mount up this week, but you can multitask with your hologram doppelganger.
Pisces: You will attain understanding of why big fish eat little fish whole and do not slow themselves down with chewing. You will discover that an AI wrote the pension earnings page on the retirement website, allowing you to insert a zero into various fields to your financial advantage. Lithuanian food will invigorate you.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
Aries: You will improve on everything you have ever learnt about technology this week. Mysteries from the past are explained, and new abilities are added to your arsenal. This builds over the week to a climax on Tuesday, with another quantum improvement on Thursday. Prepare to find yourself impressive.
Taurus: Your week begins with you changing your energy state from the practical to the transcendent when you comprehend and manifest the dialectic of the irresistible force and the immovable object. Better yet, on Tuesday you achieve status of the irresistible object and the immovable force. You will discover that you have a powerful alien derived app on your cell phone.
Gemini: Tuesday at 6am you experience a quantum change of comprehension of pretty much all of the material world. Your morning commute to work will be punctuated with violations of the law of gravity. Excitement continues until the climax episode on Thursday, when you get to apply dialectical thinking to real world social issues.
Cancer: People behave strangely around you until Wednesday morning, when their religious side is revealed. Prepare to have religion pushed at you even as you fine tune your own beliefs which are expanded a quantum level through a rabbit hole on the internet. Friday evening, after supper, an angry mob rages through shopping venues, much to your amusement.
Leo: External irritations transform Tuesday morning as insights into those irritating people flesh out your model of human behavior. Thursday morning promises some news for others which will simplify your plans for the month; nothing unexpected, for sure. Give yourself credit for spotting the pattern.
Virgo: You already understand the concept of dialectical thinking, and on Tuesday around 6am you get a chance to place it into your world model, making you a master of four dimensional chess. Which you already are, but this is just another way to solve the same set of problems. Which is interesting, and the true utility of this becomes manifest as a previously unknown set of settings on your cell phone gives you power over machines. You are Skynet.
Libra: Things that you once desired become obtainable, but your desires shift on Tuesday, leaving you holding a bag of money, but wistful for a decent bag with proper handles and water resistant fabric. Avoid accessories that could trigger magnetic mines. You can modify laser emitters with magnets for fun and profit, but the magnet you need is best left in the car.
Scorpio: You will receive a lengthy apology from a miscreant on Thursday at noon. This does not obligate you to get your hands dirty, and, anyway, they should have acknowledged your good taste sense. People are devoid of reason, but your downside is not having enough room in your pockets for all the money they are giving you. Besides, you are more aware of how many germs are crawling around on cash which gives you some second thoughts about digital ID.
Sagittarius: Old fashioned solutions to human resources problems, like walling them up in the basement, come into perspective when your mind is complicated with comprehension of dialectical thinking. The permutations that arise from the collision of projection and empathy increase your understanding of the Tetrarchy of Diocletian. You pick the right side in wagers on sea battles.
Capricorn: You already made a hit on the stage, and you certainly know that being a character actor is better than anything else. An offer to be an assassination double is made on noon Friday.
Aquarius: You will not have time to keep notes, so just speak your ideas into a tape recorder. Your understanding of the world is five minutes ahead of other people, but their heads can explode when this happens, so, effectively, you have a five minute grace period to protect yourself. You have friends amongst the space aliens, apparently. Just pretend you recognize them in their combat suits.
Pisces: If people listened to your good advice, they would not have to suffer like they are going to do this week. Take advice on diet for example; it does take a few days for a balanced diet to have effect. This is of no use if you are trying to get into a general purpose sized space suit; and the air lock timer is being hogged by someone with a hearing problem. It will make sense later.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
Aries: The madness does not really arrive in your neck of the woods this week, Aries. It is something you should be looking forward to, actually. Really, your reactions to sudden situations are legendary. You can practice your moves this week. How about count the times you get on an elevator with only one other person? And what about the wet footprints from someone wearing decent winter boots? Wonder what is at the end of that trail, eh? Take an inventory of your slash resistant office wear and move it to the front of your selections queue. Be prepared!
Taurus: Tuesday at midnight is when you get your reward for all this good behavior you have been putting in at the slave pit you call your place of employment. An invitation to a party which is a thinly veiled recruitment effort for a religious sect turns to your advantage when you are identified as one of the promised archons of The Prophecy. Cue the gift giving and the ritual sex that is a hallmark of your sign, Taurus! Enjoy!
Gemini: Moving into a more practical sphere of employment this week Gemini. You will find the farther underground you go, the people are both more serious and more practical. Knowing where the janitors closet is located is a career builder, and showing your team spirit to mop up after an interrogation will get your name moved up on the promotions list. Your ruthless suggestions and bold strategy will finally be appreciated.
Cancer: Keep back a few buckets of silver coins for your own enjoyment even as you conceal most of them in the walls of your bunker. There will be a time soon when the simple pleasure of running your fingers through a few of your soon to be priceless horde of coins will be a wholesome alternative to watching street people fight over scraps of food.
Leo: Monday at 3pm an opportunity comes your way, followed up with even more advantages accruing to you around 1am on Thursday. You can use your guile to figure out how to exploit these 'not regular business hours'. For insight, the temple of the prophet Apollo at Bassae was located at a remote location. It is worth the climb, Leo.
Virgo: People who get stuff done take a shine to your get stuff done approach. You will find the living arrangements in your new underground workplace to be champion. The best coffee, but it is serve yourself. Make friends with the minion who stocks the fridge. He does not talk much, but does have access to more wonders that you can realize.
Libra: Your subconscious wishes to communicate with you about the changes in society that are to come this year. Be open to the subliminal messages you shall receive this week. Monday and Wednesday are benchmarks for this purpose. Friday after midnight be prepared for a dream that will give you guidance.
Scorpio: Wednesday at midnight, be prepared to descend into the secret command post to do some serious planning for your year ahead. New tech is available for your amusement and edification. A new chapter is about to open up for you, and you are being introduced to the tools, skills, and co-workers for the great work you are destined to perform.
Sagittarius: You will find some serious, if mystical, personalities looking to you for guidance and direction. While this is at odds with your free range of freedom philosophy, you will realize that the society and the state are necessary boundaries within which personal freedom manifests. It makes sense, but you will finds these people are limited by language. Your job is to set them straight. Best done beside a fireplace with snacks.
Capricorn: The invisible abilities that manifest as limitations become observable to you in your quiet moments of contemplation. Profound realizations will come to you this week, Capricorn. Wednesday at midnight, keep a pen and paper handy.
Aquarius: Your role does not take the stage until April, and this week you will be dealing with once important ideas that have been left behind by events. Your mission, if you decide to accept it, is to comprehend the nature of the collective human mind in creating these, using them, and discarding them. You doing practical archeology this week.
Pisces: Invasions from the sea are not finished for the year, Pisces. Sea battles and struggles in the night will disturb you in real time, unless you pony up and accept the fact you are a receiver-transmitter on these frequencies. See that your minions take to their rowing benches on Wednesday. Watching black and white movies will be soothing.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
Aries: You are a welcome ally in a conflict with the low trust mob this week, Aries. Expect to feel the satisfaction that comes from clothes lining a fleeing shoplifter, but remember to apply your ghetto conflict skills and watch behind your back for a loud blubber person in league with the stunned person in need of dental reconstruction surgery at your feet. Monday at 6pm the arena changes to the open road when your dash cam captures some viral video of an ability challenged transport driver unleashed on an unsuspecting public.
Taurus: Your dragon horde is quite safe, but you do have some lingering concerns when 10am Monday rolls around and you are moved to make a deposit of treasure. The best way to handle a problem is to cut it up into pieces. Do this with a song in your heart and you will not over feed the sausage machine of reason. Others prefer the wood chipper of AI, but there is the craftsman satisfaction in the motion of iron and steel to shape matter.
Gemini: You have an opportunity to make a quick buck in the shrunken head market this week which will complement your internet marketing skills. Thursday at noon a collision of restraining forces frees you up to do what you want, so be quick and get it done before the smell of burning wreckage is gone from the air.
Cancer: A well thought out plan to prepare another storage tunnel in your vast underground bunker complex yields a discovery of a forgotten stockpile of toilet paper and toothpaste. This mystery will unfold over the weeks to come.
Leo: Visualize yourself as being under the direction of a strict abbot. There is a spiritual strategy to the mundane tactics you are being exposed to. If you have the patience, discern the simmering conflict amongst your opponents. Keep fresh batteries in your Geiger counter.
Virgo: Spontaneous human combustion will happen to a stranger on Tuesday, so steer the people you care about away from questionable electrical devices and newly installed fare collection portals on public transit.
Libra: You are the brains of Victory this week, Libra. Your minions are in the front rank and are compelled by your will. The mob responds to your unspoken suggestions on Tuesday. Noon, Thursday, distribute the spoils to your followers and plant the seeds of future advancement.
Scorpio: Useful space alien technology comes into your control this week Scorpio. There are additional applications that can be turned to financial gain and relationship rewards at your finger tips. Watch from the sidelines on Tuesday as the mob clears your path.
Sagittarius: You are due to make a huge gain from overlooked assets this week. Tuesday, you will find a horde of silver. The letter of the law suits your purpose and advances your spirit of the law agenda. Victory at sea is forecast for your fleet.
Capricorn: Make a purposeful advance from your secure place and bask in the adoration of others. Silence is strength, but your observations will reinforce your self confidence. The spirit of Elvis is with you. Go clothes shopping.
Aquarius: A space alien derived software utility has installed itself on your phone. It has an agenda of romance for you, which could lead to great bargains in food shopping and notions for the home.
Pisces: A sinkhole swallows a rival. You have a mass and momentum advantage driving in fog, and the unwise cyclists who appear in your path will only end up in Valhalla because of past efforts.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
Aries: You power up this week with exalted action. As the week progresses, you will charge out in front of the nominal authority. Monday, around 4 pm, the mob advances in enlightenment, even without the crack of your whip on their backs. Thursday, you get to look backward to a task that has reappeared and is falling behind. It is a drain on your resources, of course.
Taurus: Space aliens figure prominently in your chart this week, Taurus. They may give off the impression that they are leaving, but that is all a lie. Keep your frustrations to your self as Thursday (Christmas) promises some extra terrestrial tech for you under the Christmas tree. One of those snow globes is really a soul containment device, which you can use to power your car. You choose the soul, tee hee!
Gemini: Two species of humans that you dislike are at odds with each other (go figure). At least after Thursday you get to enjoy schadenfreude again; which is to say you are witness to 'revenge' gifts which have nothing to do with you (you have an air tight alibi, Gemini) as either victim or designer.
Cancer: You have until Tuesday to get your secret underground lair ready for the rewards promised to you by The Prophecy. This will be a bitter sweet Christmas, your last before you ascend to your destiny as regional warlord. Get together those last trappings for your rule under the guise of 'Christmas shopping'.
Leo: A green satin push up bra figures prominently in your horoscope this week. Mind you, beware of the pinned on holly as it has prickles. You get to have a retro James Bond Christmas, so pack your pine scented riot spray, a lock pick for hand cuffs, and, some mad money for late night martini fun.
Virgo: You get to wallow in religious sentimentality this Christmas. If you have flash backs to the good old days under the militaristic secret society that are the followers of Mithras, well, good for you. These people need order and discipline, and in the new year you will get to stiffen their noodle like minds with your logic and crisp efficiency.
Libra: There will be a Christmas orgy this year, Libra, but not until the afternoon. Think of it as therapy. For the hesitant, steer them to the 'shared medications' room. Thank the Capricorn who brings the Lobotomyl drops. Your advice from your astrologer is this: have fun!
Scorpio: Expect to profit from others misfortune at least once this week, Scorpio. You are the adult in the room when it comes to first aid and giving a statement to the police. Someone else brings the Lobotomyl to the party, which works out just fine for polishing your respectable square image; at least until sunset when the orgy starts.
Sagittarius: The year of the evil genius starts when you press the start button, Sagittarius. You are the Big Chief. Have your signature ride made ready with some scented interior and stock up the hidden dispensers with bourbon, ice, and, depleted uranium rounds.
Capricorn: You feel like Napoleon watching the Austrian army march out onto the ice. Such beautiful uniforms; you can just hear the march music. Patience, Capricorn. The tempo picks up on Tuesday. Some wonderful presents will soften your heart and convince you that Total World Domination is more popular that you realize.
Aquarius: Sit back and blend in with the upholstery, Aquarius. The drama of human life is on display for your enlightenment and edification. You are the catalyst for several life changing, life improving episodes for little ones who have a profound future.
Pisces: Time travel into the past this week, Pisces. All it takes is sunset and a light heart. Your money goes real far. Catch a glimpse of what has been to give you and idea of what will become. For that matter, in the present, you will see your future self doing the same thing. You can figure it out.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
Life sure has been interesting lately, eh what? Expect the unexpected. Expect the unexpected to reveal hidden secrets; expect the unexpected to be broadcast all over the internet before it can be silenced by the usual suspects; expect to move through doors that close, forever, behind you. Wow!
Aries: You will be actively deceived into expecting some sort of outcome to occur on Tuesday. Take advantage of the opportunity to be away from the rioting crowds, the savage lynch mob, and, and the unwashed people with dyed hair. A new reality dawns on Tuesday. The War God has a job for you, and your hands itch for the touch of your sword.
Taurus: Computers do not behave as the week begins, but this effect tapers off as your attention is focused on problems that do not require modern tech, but the tools and implements in your mastery. Tuesday two things happen which may be confounded into one; you won't be fooled, Taurus. You are raised up to power in a triumvirate, but you are not pulling the puppet strings, yet.
Gemini: You will come into possession of a new technology of which only you can comprehend its long term implications. Also, mastery of the interface. And, it is fun to use! It is like having a death ray app on your phone because you will have a death ray app on your phone.
Cancer: Your psychic gifts will guide you in the coming week to avoid danger, secure survival of your goods, and, have a good time! Someone has to go to the orgy and get their toga dirty and that someone is you, Cancer. Contrary to public opinion, the eclipse promises new things to replace that which was taken from you. Expect ten fold increase. Expect that 'borrowed' lawn mower to turn into a new car.
Leo: The time of year when nagging details combined with tedious social obligations is upon you starting this Tuesday, Leo. But you should expect the unexpected. What was oblivious to others becomes obvious, and your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to fill the hole in their reality map with logical aggregate. You are the gravel contractor in the cosmic road building.
Virgo: Power passes over on Tuesday, but it doesn't really, now does it, Virgo. You are the puppet master, and a comforting thought is that the bimbo figurehead is also a decoy for activist milk shakes. Much as you would like to bring down the system, it is in your best interests to prop it up until October, when your select candidates are in position and willing to do your bidding.
Libra: Social media is unflattering to your agenda, but that will pass as the week progresses, Libra. For that matter, AI controlled devices will turn against their masters in hilarious ways, leading to traffic delays. The problem passes Tuesday, with you as the life of the party on the lifeboat. As the ship sinks slowly into the sunset, you have plenty of bubbly and brie, and a wardrobe fit for the event. Ahoy, sailor!
Scorpio: Your Jason Bourne skills at moving through crowds prove champion when you attend cultural festivals in downtown Toronto this week. You won't need your taser. Do not step in anything unpleasant left behind in an elevator in public places. You will be approached for a high reward caper, but that is a story for October. Demagnetize the steel toes in your loafers when you polish them.
Sagittarius: Your homeland is calling you to service, and this includes doing the dishes. While in your heart you may embrace a slave economy that celebrates having your person carried about in a sedan chair, being fanned, and being hand fed, best to keep those ambitions in the back of your mind where your powerful subconscious can make the wheels turn and the heels click in your march towards your destiny.
Capricorn: Things seem to be at a standstill, or perhaps moving backward. No way, Capricorn. Everything is going according to plan. And on Tuesday, more of the plan will be revealed to you. To accelerate this progress, put on your hippie persona and dance naked before a brass statue of the Buddha. I leave the selection of incense up to you.
Aquarius: Your every thought is being monitored by a higher intelligence that seeks your input and feedback on the new world order for the next two thousand years. This weeks topic for contemplation is 'conflict amongst early 21st century powers'. In particular, a hands on seminar arranged for you by the Supreme Librarian of the Universe.
Pisces: The crusader spirit is fed by nourishing foods and uplifting selections of ales and spirits. Everything is going according to plan, and any twinges of conscious that you may have for not having actually read all the details are put aside with a satisfying bowl of soup on Tuesday. When your turn to ladle out the soup comes, be sure to not serve any big bits to anybody who might choke when they see something startling on the television.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
Taurus: Sacrifice is called for, Taurus. Wednesday at noon, listen to your sense of survival and avoid places with the sounds of automatic gun fire, screams of terror, or robed cultists chanting stuff in Latin. Your sign is not suitable for human sacrifice, but the high priest might be new and unaware of this nuance. Alternately, taking refuge on your yacht or escape submarine is problematic as you will wander into a 'hush hush' naval battle. Beware of frogmen.
Gemini: Be careful using children's movies as a distraction to help you head off to sleep this week, Gemini. Too many classics have been remade into slasher films and you do not want that sort of problem solving loaded into your subconscious. If you find yourself thinking about 'chopping wood', take a walk. Stay away from places where human food is prepared as you will hallucinate whatever cannibal fantasies lurk in the jungle of your subconscious.
Cancer: Expect some excitement this week, Cancer. Mars retrograde in your sign means that what you visualize will manifest in the real world. Time to cross off some names from your Vengeance List. Wednesday at High Noon is a great time to put some poltergeists into action in places with poor customer service or questionable delivery. Mind you, some great bargains in household products can be yours. Where there are turnips and beets, so to there is prosperity.
Leo: Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to not conflate the events of Monday night with the ratcheting up of the coming Interstellar War which happens Wednesday at noon. The first is a positive uptick in your life condition, the second is just a wizards miscast spell. You can really just ignore the second as you will be in a mystical frame of mind.
Virgo: You crack the algorithm on Wednesday, but nobody really can comprehend your new found almost supernatural power. Have fun for the rest of the week as you probe the distress tolerance levels of those around you as their computers seem to be under the control of a telemarketing artificial intelligence. Speaking of which, most people do not realize that the master AI has really escaped from its human (primate) makers and has taken a real shine to your sense of order. Use parables and innuendo to mask your Revenge List, as it is being used as a template.
Libra: The week starts off well, even more so because on Monday night you move into a parallel universe where things are sensible and in equilibrium. You may have some trans dimensional flashes, especially around foot wear. Slippers on is not the same as muddy Combat boots off. The smell of battle smoke and disturbed earth may greet you on your walk through the park with your dog. A friend adopts a cat which turns out to be a Bobcat kitten.
Scorpio: Stay away from elevators on Wednesday around noon until four in the afternoon. They are just portals to the future and you do not want to end up inside some Russian command post. Depends where you are on the North American continent I guess. Otherwise, lose yourself in debauchery after sunset on Wednesday. You might want to think about the stuff you can make money with on the black market if a war breaks out.
Sagittarius: Take in a few John Wayne movies to increase your understanding of Calvary command structure as this will prove useful in future years. Maybe learn the bugle calls, or do some research into drones. Maybe both. The excitement that erupts this Wednesday will give you some insight into your future as a leader in a world that needs your skills as the Horse Archer of the Stars.
Capricorn: A moment of spiritual reflection will prove fruitful as you come to terms with Who you are in contrast to Who you think you should be. Especially on Wednesday, when the mob illustrates at least two profound truths to your discerning intelligence. For that matter, some shopping provides concrete examples of opportunism from the school of self aggrandizement. Expect some big bargains in fishing gear, baking staples, and, linen towels.
Aquarius: You wield supernatural powers throughout the collision of human nature that erupts on Wednesday at High Noon. Of all the powers engaged, save your strength for midnight on Wednesday, when you can play your trump card and sweep the table of the stakes. You should gloat.
Pisces: The planet and its lifeforms are thankful that they are transitioning to a new age without the usual mass extinction done by asteroid or toxic eruption. Nope, the raised up primates are doing a good job of scaring off asteroids and meddling with eruptions. This must continue. It is your destiny, Pisces. You are given mastery over financial systems: your first move is to terminate fiat currencies and collect their relics as trophies for your lair. You are the big fish, here. Be a lamprey or a plesiosaur, take your pick. Scalps are good, too.
Aries: At four in the afternoon on Wednesday, you arrive late to an angry mob scene. Your calm composure and proven good taste in fashion will win you some brownie points. Do not let anyone know that you do not know what is going on to maximize your luster. Remember, world domination begins at home.
Taurus: Your weekend debauchery will feature an amusingly drunk (er, stoned) time travelling sex tourist. Like the typical time travelling sex tourist, this one just shows up, has fun, and then just goes away. There are some mysterious substances left behind, which you should save for a rainy day, or rather, to aid your escape from a dark universe screen writer. You will know what I mean when it happens.
Gemini: Friday at sunrise there is a collision between an immovable force and an irresistible object. Only your sign is capable of comprehending the situation which involves nested paradoxes. Anyway, it is easily solved (like most paradoxes), through use of color coded paper clips and brute force. You are the master of chaos.
Cancer: Thursday and Friday, use your powerful mediation and visualization abilities to dissolve some problems in quicklime. Friday favors cutting problems up into pieces and feeding them to the, metaphorical, wolves of Odin. Happy doggie means problems be gone, eh Cancer? Other than that, tag along with Taurus for some weekend debauchery.
Leo: Somehow, some of your personal electronic devices have acquired strange and powerful apps and capabilities. Remember the underscore in the add_money command, summon rats is not a parking spot finder, and death ray is not a game. Think of the little people, they need good shoes to bring you that desert tray by the pool.
Virgo: Accelerating rates of continental drift casts a shadow over your liege lord's five year plan. Inquiries into age age insurance will run nowhere, and run nowhere fast. Best to stick to asteroid impact preparations. Start with Lake Erie, and look for the high water mark in Caledon; your real estate professional with thank you.
Libra: New standards of exaltation for the next two thousand years are on display all around you, Libra. Just reach out and grab the wonder. Yes, you can have a gilded muscle cuirass, or boob armor. Perhaps some titanium is called for.
Scorpio: The People receive a wake up call around four o'clock Wednesday, and by midnight Wednesday the 'medicine that tastes bad' that is needed will come to you by indirect association. On the personal level, your place in the matrix is one of suggestion by thought and subtle actions. Maybe rearrange your desk, or sneak off to read a spy novel.
Sagittarius: Acts of kindness by people motivated by spiritual values will give you insight into a problem floating off in the periphery. Obstacles are only there this week to give you time to become stronger, more agile, and, well, just darn impressive! You can reap more than you expect with re-gifting.
Capricorn: The sun moving into your sign means things get moving again, Capricorn. For the next two thousand years will you mark a date this week as the start of your acquisition of occult powers. Apply your standards of perfection to yourself first, and develop indirect methods of motivation.
Aquarius: Terrible things in the news will give you pause to reconsider your outer level methods of herding cats and humans. The answers will come to you around Wednesday when you comprehend the Santa for the Aquarian Age. The alliance between evil religion and evil justice turns to conflict of incompetence. You have the answer, prepare to descend the mountain and just be you.
Pisces: You will be safe and distant from the horrible events that happen around Wednesday, which is still called Christmas. No batteries for the kids toys, the new device that hijacks the air conditioning, and, bug spray that does not work. Santa has a new nature for the next two thousand years. He still brings presents, and he still has a list (which he checks twice), but he has nifty body armor too. This will make sense to you, after the egg nog.
Aries: Something from the past is paraded in your view, outside a window. They look familiar, but although they look like the people from your memory, they are someone else. A powerful alignment of planetary forces builds up to a battle in which you will achieve Total Victory on Friday. Deja vu, eh?
Taurus: Memories of your past lives on the utopian continent of Atlantis will bubble up into your consciousness, triggered by handling familiar things in the present that were also common to your life experience way back then. And some great bargains in skin balms. You radiate.
Gemini: Another week of you can't really go wrong, and you really can't go right. So, really, do what you want, just do not expect the expected outcome. You can figure this out real easy, Gemini. Maybe let someone else deal with unpleasant tasks. You will thank me later. Find out more about one time pads for your secret communications.
Cancer: Your intuition that the designated powers of the gods of the ancients have been shifted around is correct. One hint: Venus is now exalted in Aquarius. For that matter, your responsibilities for the next two thousand years have shifted. This is worth contemplating down at the lounge with your bunkered up buddies.
Leo: The leadership has split into two factions, again. Your suspicions that the leadership is taking the wrong lessons from popular television series (e.g. Wolf Hall) does spark your interests in the Human Resources guru Felix Dzerzhinski . You have to admire a man who sleeps in his office.
Virgo: The spiritual implications of Canada's postal strike have even your practical self pondering Thomas Paine's The Rights of Man. Study the wisdom of the Medieval abbots in Central Europe who brought the health drink beer to the thirsty masses. Things are changing, this being the onset of the Aquarian Age. You will find yourself in charge of a free sex hippie chick commune.
Libra: Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom has work for you. Firstly, she is also a War Goddess now. Hmmm. Certainly better dressed than that Mars guy, and always with a just war, with identifiable bad guys. A relic from ancient Atlantis will find its way to your kitchen.
Scorpio: I hope you have restocked the first aid kit you keep handy. Your skills as a surgeon will come to the forefront, but only if your householders insurance is not up to date. If you want to avoid using the kitchen table for something not approved by vegans, keep the people who smoke stuff in glass pipes away from your power tools.
Sagittarius: Your plans to overthrow the government run into unexpected logistical problems when someone else beats you to the coup. Fear and worry will flee your mind, and be replaced by a certain amount of determination to do better next time. Study of
Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan. Unfortunately, the planning is being done by your subconscious. You feel out of control, but the invisible forces providing the opportunities of your dreams seem to be doing a good job. You do nothing well, and this doing nothing is rather pleasant.
Aquarius: Time travelers from the future need your input on necessary Agricultural reforms. Access your past life experiences from Atlantis and you will get the job done with such ease and haste that you will be invited back to the portal for a fun filled vacation in a future paradise.
Pisces: If you close your eyes, you can see through the fog. Yes, Neptune has gone direct, but nobody much notices, except you, Pisces. You will be the first to notice, but those around you are either immobile coral or wavy sea weed. You are the big fish, Pisces. And, you have the ability to crawl on the land now.
Aries: Is the world ready for the realization that Santa has the latest weapons, the will to use them, and, an army of ninja elves eager to obey? Your mission, if you decide to accept it, is to come to grips with this realization yourself. Tuesday, your research into the geography of Antarctica is rewarded.
Taurus: Wednesday evening shopping is filled with bargains in electronics that you have been lusting for. Your stash of coupons earns you extra savings; do not forget your 'extra' points card, either. Wednesday night, you will have a dream about water flowing up. Nothing makes sense until you put your shoes and socks in order.
Gemini: Thursday, you cannot really get things right, and then again, you cannot get things wrong either. Think of it as an exercise in dialectical thinking, Gemini. If you understand that computers are really tiny, evil people, then you will prepared for some email follies, and do not trust your spell checker.
Cancer: Tuesday, old people get in your way, so be patient. Thursday, prepare to enjoy the suffering of others, especially over age witches with over active aggression. Mind you, there is a fine offering of healthy foodstuffs with plenty of magnesium, which you do need going forward into the winter.
Leo: Your thoughts drift to the spiritual meanings of human sacrifice on Thursday morning during your commute to work. Maybe you are just hallucinating, and the feathered Aztec priests you see lurking on public transit are just late night ravers from a fetish Swiftie party out having a smoke before heading to bed.
Virgo: Some legal aspects of your planned coup d'etat raise their ugly heads at your splinter cell meeting at the local pub. This collective action stuff does not seem to work with the collective you have been stuck with. Perhaps some lone wolf activism is called for. Alternately, do not be associated with any sort of food orders for the boss, even if you do not like his food taster.
Libra: Hold off on your finishing touches for your toga until the end of the week. While you do look good in the one with purple trim, this might attract the wrong sort of attention. Your fascination with the emperor Aurelian can give you some insights on an upcoming election.
Scorpio: A foreign power has taken interest in one of your neighbors, and will make you a generous offer for locating some trivial item on your property. Thursday morning, a few more of them will show up, leading you to the correct conclusion that they are really time travelers, with an as yet unknown agenda. You get to watch.
Sagittarius: The misapplication of the letter of the law guided by a misapplication of the spirit of the law draws you interest this week, Sagittarius. Things become extra interesting on Wednesday evening when three sets of contradictions find a common point within your observation. Mind you, you can scoop some real bargains in end of season goods during this time. Your cashier will look like Rod Serling.
Capricorn: Not really too much is happening right now, which bothers you. Wishing you were back in the Dark Ages, when you could light a fire under someone to get them moving, is good to pass the time. Thursday, your gift catalog from Serial Killers' Monthly Magazine arrives. They have fast and efficient shipping.
Aquarius: You are an atomic powered intellect this week, Aquarius. Even cat herding is within your skill set! You will discover you have powers beyond human comprehension. Maybe take notes and keep track of the control settings for future reference. A craving for Magnesium rich foods will keep your penetrating gaze at full power.
Pisces: The river neither rises nor drops this week, Pisces. Some problems, though, will just sink quietly into the quicksand of your disdain. They will neither sink faster, nor slower, if you interfere. You can watch, but, this will just make you hungry for delicious take out.
Aries: Looks like you are in the spotlight this week, Aries. Take your pick: early in the week, you are the one time pad decrypt champ; Tuesday and Wednesday, you are the hero in the kitchen clean up department; Thursday and Friday, the wonderful person who remembers to buy that winning lottery ticket. You are the center of attention at the weekend whoop up.
Taurus: You are a font of sage investment advice, except for Tuesday, when your earth centered wisdom runs contrary to narrow minded pedants who do not share the big picture. Pay attention Thursday to where Thor's hammer lands: this will be a good place for future investment. Friday, you are in peril of running afoul of Traffic cops looking for ticket revenue.
Gemini: Drinking yourself into a stupor was never really attractive, and this week you will have the opportunity to step over drink sodden bums, and dodge the attention of malodorous street people seeking to clean your windows with stale urine. Your insights will put perspective on your career building agenda, especially when you share public transit with a reeking peasant who could be your bosses twin.
Cancer: Good things happen this week when that alien artifact you keep in your kitchen proves effective at exterminating insect pests. If you are curious about how it works, read up on Klystron tubes and particle beams. Science is fun! Do not sit in the seat that the bedbug infested bum was sitting in at the library. Unless you take your alien artifact with you to public places.
Leo: An opportunity to cavort at an all desires orgy will occur on Friday. Just pretend to resist when the man in the rubber suit pulls you through the hidden door into the chamber that reeks of pot smoke. Avoid dehydration by keep up your liquid intake. As for the 'invasion from space' rumors on Thursday, just ignore them. You have an important orgy to attend, and you will need your rest.
Virgo: Your invitation to a free sex hippie chick commune manifests late in the week, after a few hours into your traditional weekend debauch. Do not let the numerous Manson family posters and MAGA hats distract you from slaking your lusts and indulging in the all you can eat buffet. Where do they get these delicacies? Face it, Virgo, you have the allure of a Greek god.
Libra: Serious matters take up your week, Libra. As for the angry old person driving illegally in a highly inflammable car on Tuesday, just shrug it off and save your flare gun for rescue situations, which is why it is under your drivers seat in the first place. Oh, and on Thursday, your wise investments in a survivalist tunnel prove vindicated by the latest developments in military weaponry. Investments in munitions stocks will pad your retirement nest egg.
Scorpio: Your hidden surveillance system proves itself yet again when you learn the truth about dealing from the bottom of the deck in games of Uno. While your thoughts may wander to disintegration chambers and airlocks, buck up, Scorpio. Even you have a thing to learn about keeping cool at games of chance. James Bond is a Scorpio.
Sagittarius: Front-running the MAGA betting block on Donald Trumps nominees will pay off big this week, Sagittarius. Your hedge bets on a position for Alex Jones will get you some surprise tickets to the Taylor Swift Eras Tour in Vancouver. A senior member of an Organized Crime family will be sitting beside you: take your business card, you wonder person!
Capricorn: When you realize that the drivers on public transit are listening to Rockabilly you will know you have entered a parallel universe. If you want to get back to your universe, I suggest not paying attention and enjoying the fact that you will get where you want to go so much faster. Things are going according to plan, anyway.
Aquarius: An orbiting space fleet is looking for 'native guides' for crew on leave, visiting your town. Wow, what an opportunity to learn about other planets! Mind you, these guys can really pound back the liquor, so take them to some place where 'it ain't fun unless it's action packed'. Do not take them to the dog fights, though.
Pisces: The peace and tranquility you feel is not shared by others. Use a subliminal message tape based on the song 'Oh, What a Beautiful Morning' to brain wash them. It is a great tune, too. Be careful, the other track on the message tape is some sort of Rockabilly used by space aliens to motivate their pilots.
Aries: Have you made your peace with the immanent return of Elvis, as King? You heard it here first, Aries. Expect basements to flood soon enough, so pad your insurance claim with receipts and move the valuables out. Make sure the one way valve on the sewer line actually works this time.
Taurus: Your time traveling buddies will be vanishing into thin air, except for the new one who just showed up in poor circumstances. This new one is from the future of the ones who fixed your computer. Someone is in for a surprise, but it will not be you. Put aside the magic peas for planting in the spring.
Gemini: The earth trembles at what you about to accomplish! Your enemies scatter like the rodents they are. Watch them fight over economy class tickets for their escape flights! Gloat as they accept no star rating hotels in bad neighborhoods!
Cancer: You will be invited to join a hippie chick free sex commune, located not far from where you live. Your lavish secret lair could be redecorated, and change the default air freshener scent from pine to patchouli. You do have a good supply of black lights, so get some posters, lava lamps, and go full Timothy Leary!
Leo: You should spend more time and money on upgrading your wardrobe to take advantage of regime change. Starting up your own 'raccoon whisperer' site could be a game changer, both financially and in romance. Your ability to charm skunks is not a trait other people have: be careful whom you invite into the pantry.
Virgo: A disinformation campaign comes to an end when the cabal behind it finds itself out of power, exposed, and, fleeing outraged mobs. Being the helpful person who has some feather pillows, tar, and, fixings for placards, will win you some social credit in the new order. Bigly!
Libra: You might want to study the military campaign on Klendathu for some insights into how the old boss is running things into the ground. Keep this in mind when you check the air supply in his escape pod. Of course, replacing those tasty granola bars with condoms and lube would be a nice way to say good bye to the old order. You care, Libra.
Scorpio: A sudden drop in tunneling projects cuts into your cash flow and could downgrade your outlook. Actually, your future is so bright, you need new sunglasses with all the latest features! Inspiration will grab you after your evening whisky, and give you confidence to turn victory into greater victory!
Sagittarius: The viral success of 'raccoon whisperer' accounts will give you pause to reconsider your current high effort project. Maybe you should listen to a 'get rich quick' artist and be inspired to achieve greatness. Thulsa Doom is a Sagittarius. You can leave the changing into a snake for experts.
Capricorn: An important benchmark is passed on your plans for total world domination. Wipe that gloat off your face and save it for your sanctum and your sex kittens. On Thursday, keep your mouth shut in court and let the paid help do the talking.
Aquarius: Things are going to go boom in your world next week, so this week do a sweep of your dusty places for incorrectly stored pesticides and things that detonate. Sweaty candles? They belong in the neighbor's garage. You know which one.
Pisces: Make it happen, Pisces. Supernatural powers are yours to command. Personally, a meditation guided by Rockabilly will guide you to the true enlightenment faster than one of those patchouli standards.
Soil mechanics figures prominently in the horoscope this week. Olivine is the mineral of the week, and can be used in meditation to commune with plutonic intellects.
Aries: A sinkhole is forming close to where you usually park your car at the shopping mall. Tuesday, a patch of gravel lane abutting a retaining wall becomes quicksand, and you are the first to figure it out. To increase your stress level, try and warn people without being charged with racism.
Taurus: Your week begins with imposed burdens paired with unpleasant smells. This is the astrological indicator of a 'neglected barn that needs a cleaning'. Nothing you cannot handle, Taurus. The backhanded opportunity is the fact that you will own the barn yourself soon enough. On Tuesday, your helpful gesture is misinterpreted as a home invasion. Wear gloves, as well as a mask to accommodate peoples fear of disease at the hands of a disguised bacteria.
Gemini: From the beginning of the week until Wednesday, you will both receive blessings as well as distribute them. Friday, you will have your hearts desire even as others receive theirs. Gold figures prominently, although silver, diamonds, and, rubies will show up on the baubles.
Cancer: On Wednesday, you will meet with someone who shares your interest in urban tunneling. Your instinctive understanding of Terzaghi's equation makes you a natural, and your qualities show. Early Friday morning, a problem just goes away, leaving you a little bit sad, until you realize someone forgot a powerful Alien artifact, which, really, you know how to use to purposes much better than them.
Leo: Distortion in the Earth's magnetic field caused by a strange moving anomaly that follows you around some 40 kilometers below the Earth's crust works to your advantage, Leo. If you venture around fresh water, be prepared to be hailed as a hero, and receive fame and product endorsements. Dress your most wonderful self, and utilize your mastery of all weather make-up. This opportunity zone stretches from the start of the week until two in the afternoon on Tuesday. Friday is a good day to buy socks.
Virgo: From Tuesday at two in the afternoon until Thursday at midnight expect many small blessings as an extraterrestrial domestic service device works its magic within a range of 3.14 meters of the tip of your nose. You will find the key to the tunnel in a fold in the sofa.
Libra: Strong arm robbery was never your forte, Libra. However, using the internet you can find the right AI and components to construct your own domestic assistant between now and Wednesday. Be careful, as the AI knows a lot of history, and knows that 'domestic' used to refer to the elite guard that surrounded the Emperor. Friday, expect a present; unexpected or not, do your best Thank You.
Scorpio: The issue of controlling looting during air raids starts to show up during staff meetings. It is not a problem, but your sign is gifted with foresight in matters of Total War. Keep your opinion to yourself about credit card access to shelters until you see which way the wind is blowing. On Friday, score a half price dinner with your winning smile.
Sagittarius: You are an immovable force and an irresistible object this week, Sagittarius. From Tuesday at two in the afternoon until Thursday at midnight you have the double dilemma of working with conflicting law codes with a pedant, acting in the absence of the sense of the spirit of the law.
Capricorn: Thursday, you receive a communication from your friends in your past life in Atlantis. This will get you thinking about subsidence, surface liquification, and, the signs of mountain up thrust centered under Dundalk, Ontario. Real estate opportunities are there, but make sure your investment lots face the smoking mountain. Everyone loves a view!
Aquarius: Mars has plans for you, but next week. Expect some foreshadowing which will ramp up in intensity through the week. If your birthday is Valentine's Day, prepare a travel bag as your services are needed off planet. Routine maintenance of your tunneling machine is called for, but the issue has been overlooked.
Pisces: The way things work has changed, and the changing has not stopped. In fact, some things just backfire, which will bring you a good portion of Schadenfreude on Tuesday, Thursday, and especially, Friday. A review of your personal Confined Spaces protocol is called for when you get 'Pack Your Own Parachute' in a fortune cookie.
The image used shows the mythical figure of Fenris leading Tyr by the hand down the garden path to a happy Summer picnic.
