Aries: Wednesday at 8pm expect an important message encrypted with parables. Your horizontally polarized antenna will allow you quick communication with the Mother Ship. Just play along and do not betray your thoughts with your body language.
Taurus: The roving undead you find by day are not as dangerous as the ones you encounter at night. On Wednesday at noon, before turning on the water in your bathroom, check to make sure nobody has parked a toaster in the tub. Rationalizations can come later; take down some names.
Gemini: The portal you have opened has let the Dark Universe Audrey Hepburn into your locale. Encounters at the shopping mall could prove interesting as black shirt fashion police take their war on polyester underwear into high gear. Being able to hum the Giovinezza will get you the special discount on those loafers you are pining for.
Cancer: A supermutant termite species has invaded your neighborhood. They have enslaved the local cockroaches and are tunneling into the local lumberyard. Wednesday and Thursday you will gather loyal followers for your long term plans to become a municipal warlord.
Leo: You will hear sounds of tunneling activity the deeper you go in the underground garage. A close associate is responsible, and will invite you to join a secret society. Wednesday and Thursday, you stand out amongst the crowd and will earn a victory. Channel your inner U-boat commander while shopping for bargains.
Virgo: You will get your revenge this week. Make sure to tally it in your journal. Do not be squeamish, instead have a good laugh. Maybe a souvenir video? Monday at midnight is the best time to combine pleasure with business. You can combine business with pleasure, Virgo. It is a gift.
Libra: You will find a Notebook of Evil. Your secret reading pleasure is best done after sunset on Monday, and around midnight the secrets of the Philosopher's Stone are made available to you. Run your hands over the paper and look closely at the ink. Someone cares, and your inner artist will find inspiration. And, follow the instructions on page 57.
Scorpio: Power outages are caused by a sinkhole. Calling to complain will just waste your time. Have someone else waste their time. Better yet, use your pinhole camera to record the fun. Having good sound for the screaming will help you go viral.
Sagittarius: Your insights into vertically polarized antennas are correct! Conveniently, the office elevator can be transformed into a trans dimensional transporter using some simple hand tools, a frequency generator, and, your latent soldering skills. Send those nay sayers to the parallel universe they deserve.
Capricorn: You will receive a tempting job offer on Tuesday from a business rival that does not realize that you are their competition. Ponder the morality of sabotage and insider treachery, and act according to your financial best interests. And two bags of lime.
Aquarius: It is effectively impossible to communicate, and you are surrounded by examples of what you wish to communicate. This can be frustrating. Pattern recognition is a good thing to be able to do, but, it is not for everyone. Meta cognition is a better measure of intelligence than IQ. Especially on Wednesday.
Pisces: Enjoy the esthetics of the frame of the picture, the carpet in the lobby of the gallery, and, that which surrounds the center of attention. Give it a try. You will make an electrifying discovery at midnight on Monday.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
