Aries: Wednesday, at 4pm you will discover the transcendent power to access the full powers of your third eye through the meditative practice of gargling. Those not initiated into the mysteries will rationalize with talk about the 'vagus nerve', 'cortisol', and, such stuff. Being you, Aries, you can start right now. Gargling is the key!
Taurus: Wednesday, at 4pm, you will discover the transcendent power to access the full powers of your third eye through the meditative practice of singing. The dialectic contradiction of the 'immovable force' and the 'irresistible object' will find synthesis in your physical form. The world is hungry to bathe in your aura, Taurus.
Gemini: Wednesday, at 4pm, you will discover the transcendent power to access the full powers of your third eye through the meditative practice of humming. Your astute mind is already aware of the subtle difference between humming and mumbling. Unleash the full arsenal of your supernatural powers, Gemini!
Cancer: You were brainwashed by the forces of evil to limit your abilities, Cancer. Wednesday, at 4pm, you will witness what you were conditioned to think of as socially inappropriate behavior: gargling at the dinner table, singing whilst at the toilet, or, humming at work. What do these people know that you don't? And what evil intelligence warped your outcomes downward by not allowing you to learn of the powerful method of gargling meditation? Wednesday at 4pm, all will be revealed.
Leo: The week promises to be a series of pleasant experiences, although you should avoid crowds around Wednesday at 4pm. The events of that time will prove to be advantageous to you, when you integrate technology and insight. Use your powers of metacognition to spot the pattern. You deserve to be rich.
Virgo: Domestic concerns consume your energy this week, Virgo. Except for the uproar associated with the events on Wednesday at 4pm, when your world view is vindicated, although the majority come to your viewpoint after fleeing a 'mostly peaceful' mob. Pat yourself on the head, Virgo; none the less, it is back to refinishing furniture after that; although you will find hidden spaces where a previous tenant has hidden treasure.
Libra: Your big party on Wednesday will easily survive a serious faux pas thanks to your superior social skills, Libra. People want to enjoy themselves, but a wet blanket shows up; there is a hidden agenda: rage porn for click bait. Rethink your invitation strategy. Some class of person needs to be on the shit list, eh?
Scorpio: You have powers of discernment that border on the supernatural. Now that you are conscious of this, use your metacognition to access other abilities. The events worldwide that occur on Wednesday at 4pm will be both gratifying (you were right!) as well as inspire you to further glory. Best start to carry Imperial insignia in your knapsack of privilege.
Sagittarius: Implications of the letter of the law creep towards your judgement seat. Not this week, Sagittarius, but next. At 8am on Thursday you will be very fortunate while fishing. As the torpedo disappears off the stern remember the memo that warned of decoy torpedoes to provide cover for frogmen operations.
Capricorn: High noon on Thursday, mark the time in your calendar. Do not be distracted by the world wide social uproar that erupts on Wednesday at 4pm from taking advantage of a basket of goodies sent you by the Volcano gods.
Aquarius: The thwarted ability of The People to enjoy their justified rewards (on Wednesday at 4pm) will provide useful data for your Philosophy of Life. You can be smug and superior, but nobody will notice as they are busy fleeing for safety. You are already aware of the powerful meditation that embraces song, humming, and, gargling.
Pisces: Take stock of your first aid kit as having a well stocked bag of bandages and antiseptic potions will get you to the front of the line for the evacuation shuttle to the mother ship. Study some dash cam videos for a better understanding of just when you should be over cautious. Victory at sea comes to the commander who leads the boarding party.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
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