The Life Long Learner

 

I am a life long learner. This week, I am getting another run through on the Set Boundaries stuff that is the bread and butter of getting along psychology.  Taught this before to my class. I am a HR professional (it says so on my card), so I get stuck with these sort of corporate brainwashing efforts. The interesting stuff, like constructive dismissal, I save for management.

Setting your boundaries, I write that up on the dry erase board. I bring my own markers, that way I know I will have something that works. The management types I share the room with exist in the post high trust society: they only take the fresh markers, and always leave dried up ones behind. 

Everyone in the class has had hours of Setting Your Boundaries somewhere in their past. High school, courses at the Unemployment Office, and, past employers. Yup. The top question you get (after you ask any questions) is how do you deal with someone who violates the boundaries after you have explicitly set them. Good Question. Since I am a nice guy, and the large financial institution I contract with is hinting at ending my contract (alternately, cutting my fee in exchange for renewal), I am going to share with you, the readers of Mitchieville2020.

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So, the question is how do you deal with someone who violates the boundaries after you have explicitly set them. The conditioned response (high school) is to talk to your supervisor or Human Resources. 

Firstly, if you do this, you will establish yourself as a Rat. This is bad. No financial institution wants people who could possibly testify against them. Think money laundering.  Heaven forbid you have recordings or video of the chimp out. That implies you are the sort of person who copies documents and keeps them in a safe place as insurance. No way. Keep your mouth shut.

Secondly, you can place yourself in the Useful Rat category. For background, it is pretty much impossible to fire useless, troublesome, or, incompetent employees now a days. Management resorts to constructive dismissal, and having a file of complaints from Useful Rats helps them stoke the septic tank of a toxic work environment. If you think you have personality conflict, just wait until management confronts toxic employee with your allegations. Think of it as being doxxed. Now you have a target on your back, and, management can hope and pray you have a fight so you both can get fired, solving the problem of the toxic employee. Not so good for you, though. 

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At this point the class asks the question again, as getting manipulated into a career ending personality conflict is not satisfying. This leads to a better phrasing of the situation: Before you establish your boundaries, decide what you are going to do when they are broken again; and again. This gets them thinking. To expand the discussion, I introduce the concepts of narcissists and empaths. I supply a few useful links.  I never write this stuff on the board. This is Darwinian selection at work: if you bother to listen and act upon good advice, you have a better chance of survival, eh? 

So, what are you going to do when your boundaries are broken? 

You can avoid the problem entirely by not opening your mouth and letting the narcissist that you give a damn; and, hence, you are not a satisfying target for triggering outrage.  You can withdraw from the arena of conflict. Hence the common social phenomena of workers who 'do the minimum', 'have a side hustle', and, 'always be looking for another job'. 

You can become a student of passive aggression. Instead of being a victim of PA, you can start to use these methods yourself. Add to this a study of narcissism: aside from being toxic, narcs are quite fragile.

Let the healing begin!

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.