Aries: Is the world ready for the realization that Santa has the latest weapons, the will to use them, and, an army of ninja elves eager to obey? Your mission, if you decide to accept it, is to come to grips with this realization yourself. Tuesday, your research into the geography of Antarctica is rewarded.
Taurus: Wednesday evening shopping is filled with bargains in electronics that you have been lusting for. Your stash of coupons earns you extra savings; do not forget your 'extra' points card, either. Wednesday night, you will have a dream about water flowing up. Nothing makes sense until you put your shoes and socks in order.
Gemini: Thursday, you cannot really get things right, and then again, you cannot get things wrong either. Think of it as an exercise in dialectical thinking, Gemini. If you understand that computers are really tiny, evil people, then you will prepared for some email follies, and do not trust your spell checker.
Cancer: Tuesday, old people get in your way, so be patient. Thursday, prepare to enjoy the suffering of others, especially over age witches with over active aggression. Mind you, there is a fine offering of healthy foodstuffs with plenty of magnesium, which you do need going forward into the winter.
Leo: Your thoughts drift to the spiritual meanings of human sacrifice on Thursday morning during your commute to work. Maybe you are just hallucinating, and the feathered Aztec priests you see lurking on public transit are just late night ravers from a fetish Swiftie party out having a smoke before heading to bed.
Virgo: Some legal aspects of your planned coup d'etat raise their ugly heads at your splinter cell meeting at the local pub. This collective action stuff does not seem to work with the collective you have been stuck with. Perhaps some lone wolf activism is called for. Alternately, do not be associated with any sort of food orders for the boss, even if you do not like his food taster.
Libra: Hold off on your finishing touches for your toga until the end of the week. While you do look good in the one with purple trim, this might attract the wrong sort of attention. Your fascination with the emperor Aurelian can give you some insights on an upcoming election.
Scorpio: A foreign power has taken interest in one of your neighbors, and will make you a generous offer for locating some trivial item on your property. Thursday morning, a few more of them will show up, leading you to the correct conclusion that they are really time travelers, with an as yet unknown agenda. You get to watch.
Sagittarius: The misapplication of the letter of the law guided by a misapplication of the spirit of the law draws you interest this week, Sagittarius. Things become extra interesting on Wednesday evening when three sets of contradictions find a common point within your observation. Mind you, you can scoop some real bargains in end of season goods during this time. Your cashier will look like Rod Serling.
Capricorn: Not really too much is happening right now, which bothers you. Wishing you were back in the Dark Ages, when you could light a fire under someone to get them moving, is good to pass the time. Thursday, your gift catalog from Serial Killers' Monthly Magazine arrives. They have fast and efficient shipping.
Aquarius: You are an atomic powered intellect this week, Aquarius. Even cat herding is within your skill set! You will discover you have powers beyond human comprehension. Maybe take notes and keep track of the control settings for future reference. A craving for Magnesium rich foods will keep your penetrating gaze at full power.
Pisces: The river neither rises nor drops this week, Pisces. Some problems, though, will just sink quietly into the quicksand of your disdain. They will neither sink faster, nor slower, if you interfere. You can watch, but, this will just make you hungry for delicious take out.
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