Aries: You will be taking a trip down memory road, at least the one used by tyrants and heroes. Your best fake smile will serve you well, and at least the curly toe slippers with the bell at the tip are comfortable. Monday, tyrants and heroes turn there attention to present reality, and, Wednesday, a whole lot of people take interest in the wrong lessons from the past. Of course, it is you who should be in the golden chariot, Aries. After Friday when 'glorious leader' puts his/her hand into a metaphorical bandsaw, your due diligence and sensible splatter guard glasses gain the attention you deserve.
Taurus: The ruler of your sign is exalted all this week, Taurus. Your destiny is linked to time travelers and eccentric artists, especially Wednesday at midnight, when a mob of 'normals' takes umbrage at the curtailment of something or the other. Content creators under your direction can prove very helpful, or, very obnoxious. This will be a pattern in your life for the next two thousand years. On Friday expect to score points at a new venue of debauchery. Careful selection of beverages means your toga remains clean, Taurus.
Gemini: A river of confusion changes course on Monday, leaving you with a river of confusion, still confused, but going another way. Think of it as being a crocodile during flood season on the Nile. The land is not gone, only under water. There is food a plenty amongst the wise papyrus, and for contemplation, the beautiful acacia is pleasant to float under. Wednesday at noon, real things start to happen in the real world, when you notice the flood waters begin to recede ever so gently. A chest will float by with several good ideas for a novel.
Cancer: From Monday at dawn until Wednesday at midnight, you rule. You move in a partially phased in parallel universe where you get things done, and everybody else seems to be sluggish with over eating, or just too much dope. Remember the plan, Cancer. Whoever has the last supplies of coffee and cigarettes will rule, making you the medieval lordling you always thought you should be.
Leo: You are favored in lawsuits and dealings with propertied clerics this week, Leo. Friday, as the sun rises, that angry mob on the commute turns to you for leadership, and with your advantage in good looks and charm, expect to advance your agenda. Good deals on healthy food and bulk deals on sea food point towards victory at sea because you are the adult on the bridge when the bad guys make a rash move.
Virgo: You may get the impression that you are in a parallel universe where people have not really advanced to the level you expect in your normal plane of existence. Things become more clear on Monday, except you find yourself in a sunrise in the fog, where the sun can be clearly seen above the mist. Friday, expect many great bargains in things you want, but realize that this is a parallel universe and that wonderful potato peeler is also an alien artifact with advanced powers. Read the instruction booklet!
Libra: The War Goddess Athena finds your outlook on life and personal philosophy attractive, leading to seeds planted for future career advancement. A down on his luck Odysseus personality might just wash ashore in your purview, so get some brownie points and give the old guy a break. Having a future war lord in debt of gratitude is always a good thing to have. The best day of the week for you to buy a winning lottery ticket is Friday.
Scorpio: Your cell phone is linked to an orbiting alien space ship, which uses your selections of music to power it's Artificial Intelligence, so some judicious selections of traditional and folk tunes will effect change on the planet Earth. Might I suggest 'The Sash', 'What a beautiful morning', or, ' There is a great big beautiful tomorrow'. There are great deals in out of the way places, but be sure to keep your finds in a plastic bag before you wash them. Just saying.
Sagittarius: Unlikely allies appear Thursday, but who cares? Your ends justify the means; if you cannot trust yourself with Absolute Power, then you should spend a bit more time on your personal philosophy. Then again, living in a paradox is a temporary thing, which will lead you to contemplate the usefulness of temporality. Thursday, your mystical side gets a jolt when you are drawn to a small, quiet variety store when you can buy amulets, cigarettes, and, dreams.
Capricorn: Your only problems exist in your imaginary future, not in your bountiful present. They are fog, soon to be dispersed. Develop some patience, you goat. Music and songs have magical effect, so replace your gloomy predictions with some uplifting tunes. Remember that song your Mom sang to you in the womb? Try that.
Aquarius: You should secretly enjoy the negotiation style of the incoming American president. Having the ability to have your opponents dance on a string is the future, and this technique is at your command. Sex tourists from the future continue to complicate your domestic life, and be sure to sanitize everything. Do it secretly. Avoid public washrooms with used tubes of hemorrhoid cream on the counter. Nobody has wrinkles that bad.
Pisces: Time begin to moves forward finally this week. You will find a relic from one of your dreams close to where you bathe. You may wonder why an object from the middle ages has been transported from the land of dreams to your medicine cabinet, but the fact is that astral projection is one of your gifts. A nagging voice may encourage you to monetize this (souvenir coins, anyone?) but this materialistic notion will soon pass when leaden Saturn gets out of your sign.
A message from Santa. Santa is, of course, a Capricorn, and currently adjusting to his new role in the Age of Aquarius. I was able to get him away from the Mayor's liquor cabinet and asked him for a few words of happiness in this festive season...
Mrs.Claus sold her shares to Elon. I got forced out of my own job. She outsourced toy production to some Russian company. The Russians wanted my stealth tech. NATO cannot find my sled, let alone get a radar lock. Should prove interesting this Christmas. The elves were shipped off as refugees to Canada. Winnipeg. They took to weed and liquor. The money from my payout does not vest until January. I ended up living on the street, then I got sent to a shelter. Never incorporate in Maryland. Rudolph is pregnant. I never knew.
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