Aries: Have you made your peace with the immanent return of Elvis, as King? You heard it here first, Aries. Expect basements to flood soon enough, so pad your insurance claim with receipts and move the valuables out. Make sure the one way valve on the sewer line actually works this time.
Taurus: Your time traveling buddies will be vanishing into thin air, except for the new one who just showed up in poor circumstances. This new one is from the future of the ones who fixed your computer. Someone is in for a surprise, but it will not be you. Put aside the magic peas for planting in the spring.
Gemini: The earth trembles at what you about to accomplish! Your enemies scatter like the rodents they are. Watch them fight over economy class tickets for their escape flights! Gloat as they accept no star rating hotels in bad neighborhoods!
Cancer: You will be invited to join a hippie chick free sex commune, located not far from where you live. Your lavish secret lair could be redecorated, and change the default air freshener scent from pine to patchouli. You do have a good supply of black lights, so get some posters, lava lamps, and go full Timothy Leary!
Leo: You should spend more time and money on upgrading your wardrobe to take advantage of regime change. Starting up your own 'raccoon whisperer' site could be a game changer, both financially and in romance. Your ability to charm skunks is not a trait other people have: be careful whom you invite into the pantry.
Virgo: A disinformation campaign comes to an end when the cabal behind it finds itself out of power, exposed, and, fleeing outraged mobs. Being the helpful person who has some feather pillows, tar, and, fixings for placards, will win you some social credit in the new order. Bigly!
Libra: You might want to study the military campaign on Klendathu for some insights into how the old boss is running things into the ground. Keep this in mind when you check the air supply in his escape pod. Of course, replacing those tasty granola bars with condoms and lube would be a nice way to say good bye to the old order. You care, Libra.
Scorpio: A sudden drop in tunneling projects cuts into your cash flow and could downgrade your outlook. Actually, your future is so bright, you need new sunglasses with all the latest features! Inspiration will grab you after your evening whisky, and give you confidence to turn victory into greater victory!
Sagittarius: The viral success of 'raccoon whisperer' accounts will give you pause to reconsider your current high effort project. Maybe you should listen to a 'get rich quick' artist and be inspired to achieve greatness. Thulsa Doom is a Sagittarius. You can leave the changing into a snake for experts.
Capricorn: An important benchmark is passed on your plans for total world domination. Wipe that gloat off your face and save it for your sanctum and your sex kittens. On Thursday, keep your mouth shut in court and let the paid help do the talking.
Aquarius: Things are going to go boom in your world next week, so this week do a sweep of your dusty places for incorrectly stored pesticides and things that detonate. Sweaty candles? They belong in the neighbor's garage. You know which one.
Pisces: Make it happen, Pisces. Supernatural powers are yours to command. Personally, a meditation guided by Rockabilly will guide you to the true enlightenment faster than one of those patchouli standards.
Great to see you back!
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