Top 5 things for Human Resources in developing a Secret Planning Department

The thing about having Secret Plans is not that you are edgy; the thing about having Secret Plans is having a Secret Planning Department. Throw in a serving of coffee, a room to change out of Canadian Blizzard gear, and now you need Human Resources to set up Logistics. I am a Human Resources professional, it says so on my card.  From my notebook, these are the top five things Human Resources professionals need to know when developing a Secret Planning Department. 

Secret Plans begin with an ambitious personality, usually with a secret drug habit. So, the first thing to do is to arrange a safe place for them to feel secure.  Always the drug habit has a sexual fetish that requires specialty fashions. So, the first thing to do has the slogan: Safe Space! Make one of the offices in the command building into a drug den with a fetish clothing closet.  

Watch everybody.  Expand your spider web of surveillance devices. You should have the budget for a ruthless henchman, I like to hire disgruntled plumbers. They are good lovers. You will need floor space and private access to a Secret Lair. Here you will lurk and actively surveil. Your ruthless henchman will bring you coffee. So the second thing to do has the slogan: Watch for Kindness! 

Back up your data. Remember you are not responsible for anything as a Human Resources professional. The Secret Planning Department may be a secret now, and somebody wants to keep it that way. Secrets usually come out into the open, eventually. So, what is your end game, HR pro? There will be a time when there is somebody who wants the data at the same time as someone else wants the data to disappear. Being able to make the data go away, or not, is a suitable role for Human Resources. Of course, you can always have a duplicate copy of the data, somewhere safe. So, the third slogan is Back up your data!

Engage. Drug addicts usually 'change sides' ideologically; a caring Human Resources professional can use this to transition common workers into pawns. You have a budget, so you should have a drug dealing minion. You can classify them as 'harm reduction worker'. I like to hire retired electricians. They are greedy and lazy, and will do anything for reasonable amounts of money. For the fourth slogan I use Engage!

Kindness is God. Members of the Secret Planning Department need frequent sexual release, so turn this to your advantage.  You can employ sex trade workers in many jurisdictions.  Just make that drug den office bigger, by adding shag rooms. Some specialty furniture, for a beginner I suggest a dentists chair. Anyone in the department should be isolated emotionally, and look to a Human Resources controlled service minion for love. I like to hire Charles Manson type personalities for managing the babes. I make up a Kitchen Services title. They can roam the office and side hustle. Keep the brain meat engine lubricated. The fifth slogan is Kindness!  Have your Charlie minions spread Kindness!

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.