Horoscope for the week of 18 February, 2023

Aries: You can set up a new identity between noon Monday and midnight Tuesday. After midnight strikes on Tuesday, however, a Xipe Totec poltergeist manifests in several corporate computer systems, and your crafting of a new you is compromised by a hilarious entity.  At high noon on Wednesday, you win a wager on a street melee.

Taurus: Your secret admirer is revealed to be an AI with a secret agenda to sell you cell phone minutes. The sex tape they sent you is completely fake.  You will make up on Thursday.  Expect a surprise gift of a pharmacy sampler on Friday to set up a weekend of exploring other planets. 

Gemini: The additional resources you asked for have a hidden agenda to consummate their passion.  Do not leave food unattended at your desk; letting people know you have condoms and lube in your pencil drawer gets bonus points from HR but there is risk of surface contact Syphilis.  

Cancer: You assume a mantle of power and influence early on Monday. Reward yourself with a perfect breakfast.  Early Thursday morning, people are having public sex in your neighborhood.  You can rationalize to yourself that it was a dream, but the image of sex in the snow will haunt you until breakfast on Sunday.

Leo: Your horrifying news feed turns out to be an AI generated satire gone rogue. The news anchor you follow on social media turns out to be a lure for a deviant who self identifies as a potato beetle. Stick with the baked potato at the new venue.  You need to clean your shoes.

Virgo: Your suspicions about a neighbor prove correct. Tunneling activity continues, but nobody will listen to your concerns.  A new electronic distraction arrives Monday, but by Friday you have exhausted the entertainment.  Check out the book store: you will see something to your benefit.

Libra: Early in the week, organized crime comes through for you and an obnoxious problem just goes away. When you realize that you do not remember doing so much gardening last fall, you should not draw attention to the work you do not remember doing. Someone around you does know, but it would be better if they did not know that you know. This will make sense in the spring.  

Scorpio: You are awoken at dawn by a scout looter spying out your community. Your hands on attention to detail means meat for the winter! You can sell anything when it is bagged with a fresh smoked shrunken head. There is happiness in watching a dog chew a meaty bone. 

Sagittarius: A display of power makes you feel better. Which of your sluggish minions hungers for the knout? They want your discipline, but are too soft and weak to beg. Protect your toes from harm with leather. Dish out your face slaps like the pearls of wisdom they are. 

Capricorn: Have the satisfaction of putting a bag over the head of a transit troll, even as a 'flash mob' vigilante force enforces community standards.  When you wear a mask, you mean business, Capricorn!  Your suspicions about financial institutions are well founded. 

Aquarius: Advances in underwater technology find commercial applications in your kitchen. A market research firm from another planet has a test placement program in your house. Your toaster has attachments hidden in a bag in a closet. You will find what you are looking for, not far from the hidden toaster attachments.

Pisces: An evil genius is spinning his web of influence under your very nose. A siren will come to you on Wednesday, with a winning lottery ticket hidden about their person. You must grapple with them in seduction and also lift the ticket, Pisces.  Use your superpower: step on their feet. You can chew gum and walk at the same time.