Horoscope for the week of February 4, 2024

Aries:  Your old pal, The Earth Shaker, has fun stuff planned for Thursday.  All day long.  Before that is the planning.  You get to plan, Aries.  There is a place for you there, filled with longing for your presence.  And, they need your get shit done super power.  The day of fun stuff ends with a midnight uproar, so avoid crowds around that time. 

Taurus:  Wednesday at noon is a propitious time to receive the deed to a new property, Taurus.  A gangster's treasure is hidden there.  It is all for you, Taurus.  Every pretty bauble. Later on Wednesday, some of the office staff will try to run away when they see what is going on in the news.  Use your Taurus charm to keep them distracted until your new deed is in your hands. 

Gemini:  In the hours approaching midnight on Monday, you will receive guidance from a higher power. Tuesday you should take an inventory of your pens and pencils and retain only those that meet or exceed your expectations of excellence.  Nobody wants a blobby pen when they are signing over money.  You will win the lottery, despite distractions.

Cancer:  The news will panic some people on Wednesday, and you will wonder why they did not panic with what went on Sunday.  Perhaps it is time to restart your bootleg borscht business as a side hustle.  Rum running is predictable cash, but borscht lets you virtue signal. The ring tone on something gets changed Tuesday.

Leo:  You are propelled towards self aggrandizement by extraterrestrial influencers. Thursday, a disguised alien artifact announces that it wants its battery charged.  Your secret identity is under scrutiny by agents of an extraterrestrial corporation.  You are the best person to keep secrets.

Virgo: War profiteering becomes easier with your new phone app. On Tuesday, take your skill set into electronic gizmos. The excitement outside on Wednesday is just that, outside. Saturday at midnight is auspicious for a lottery win. 

Libra: Thursday, an overweight tradesman will shapeshift into a sexy time traveler sex tourist.  Your DNA is wanted for a prototype.  You discover a secret recording of you smashing a fly into a grisly stain on an insect snuff porn site.  If you actually had control of your original content, you would have a healthy sum waiting for you on your next trip to the Moon. 

Scorpio: Monday at High Noon, you have an appointment with Destiny, Scorpio.  Are you the message or the messenger?  The earth will shake when you click your heels together with your magic slippers.  A sinkhole of burning sulfur opens up close to where the church was burnt down.

Sagittarius: In the early hours of Monday, an evil dream will come to you compelling you to the shopping mall closest to your isp address. Medusa is shopping there, too.  Take all your magic gear, Sagittarius.  These bargains are worth a lifetime!  Maybe bring someone you do not like, so they can become lawn sculpture.

Capricorn: Side hustle is set to acceleration, Capricorn.  Add Goon to your Human Resources line up.  Your email is the same as a sex symbol on another planet.  A gift of ice skates will unmask the secret of your secret admirer.  You will find another note in the martini glass. 

Aquarius: A work of agriculture worthy of a Babylonian king is yours to make, Aquarius.  On your trestleboard add additonal amulets to shape your future status.  You will find great bargains when you shop for fresh fruit.  The voices on the phone are not human. 

Pisces: You are approached to take on a script for a woke remake of Cthullu, and you are told Taylor Swift has already been signed. Are you sick of the lies, Pisces? Who is this guy on the phone?  Is it an evil AI, programmed by a bitter, self taught burnt out telemarketer, sent to punish society for an unhappy love life?  Better, give them a few of the names from your shit list, as people really interested in woke remakes of Cthullu.  Win both ways, Pisces!