Horoscope for the week of January 28, 2024

 Aries:  You take the spoils of war on Tuesday.  The powdered wig of the "Mozart at court" look suits you.  And, do take advantage of the bodice ripping.  One of the perks of your position, Aries.  The best chocolates, and curly toe slippers for padding on carpet to bodice ripping adventures.  There is hint of a job offer in the Congo, or is it Katanga?  Do get a white linen suit.

Taurus:  Abandon yourself to the pleasures of the flesh this week, Taurus.  On the midnight before you go back to work on Monday, you will receive a delightful gift of a silver crown set with emeralds.  Be reasonable, and leave the plowing work to the plow share.  Servants become surly for the weekend.  They eat too much meat.  

Gemini: They are falling into your clever trap.  A key to the puzzle arrives on Friday.  Alternately, a neighbors rescue cat turns out to be a lynx.  Maybe both, Gemini. Maybe some wardrobe accessories for when The Man Comes To Town.  It is not that you clean you room, but what you find when you clean your room.  Clean your personal space, Gemini.  You will find something.

Cancer:   The poor British parliament no longer has Cromwell to protect them from an overweening Monarchy.  Should not have taken down that magic statue, eh?  Time for you to overween, Cancer.  Restrictions are fictional, how about some personal space aggrandizement.  When the shoplifters descend upon the shopping mall like locusts, you can be the clever gecco.  You are worth it!

Leo:  You need a few days to recover from the debauchery of last weekend.  For a repair in a pinch, use super glue. And, the bond is resistant to salt water.  Someone else is spitefully hoping you will win the lottery.  Enjoy the weekend from somewhere safe. A cartel has taken control of a regional ambulance service.

Virgo:  Real Estate transactions go your way when you play hard ball.  You read the contract.  Onboarding, offboarding, both work your way.  A time travelling tourist appears, and you wake up to smell the ozone.

Libra: This being progressive is fun: arranged marriages are back on the table and you are in the loop.  Sunday night, actually around midnight, the details of an arrangement come to your attention.  Two names on a winning lottery ticket ask you add your name on Monday.  If you can get past the drama of the arranged marriage, there are some good deals for you online.

Scorpio:  Great week to get your tedious maintenance chores done.  On Tuesday, an accident with a mechanical chicken de-boner is avoided.  This will give you a great idea.  You will move through a time portal, but the portal keeps moving, and it really does not matter because you will end up back where you started, but with something rather interesting.  Your secrets are your own, eh, Scorpio?

Sagittarius: If you have dreams of being a white raj, going around the town on an elephant, served by scented servants, then you are on the right track to your destiny.  Unfortunately, elephants are slow and smell bad to horses, and Sagittarius is a horse sign.  Put the palace upwind of the peasants.  It is always business as usual.  Turnips have powerful healing properties.  

Capricorn:  Your observations are going directly to the Supreme Librarian of the Universe.  One of your supernatural powers is invisibility.  The ocean between the Earth and the Moon experiences tides.  Your pagan rituals are unusually effective, especially when a cat is near by. 

Aquarius: You are living in the present, but surrounded by people hallucinating that they live in some past place.  Monday, do a side job for a space alien tourist. Tuesday, you will manifest a Xipe Totec poltergeist inside the accounting systems of an international corporation with poor customer service. You have good ideas.

Pisces: You will receive a communication Friday from one of your powerful friends.  This is no woke makeover of Cthulhu with Taylor Swift.  Prepare for next week, and use your crystal ball.  Your cookbook has pencil notes you do not recognize: follow the suggestion and prepare the correct proportion of beets to turnip for your potion.