Horoscope for the week of 14 January, 2024

The Roman Empire had a sunrise like the one you are going to have.  The Past, your future.  Make it yours.  Astrology has the answers to the questions you should be asking.  Each week, your future revealed.  Here is the Horoscope for the week of 14 January, 2024.

Aries:  When you put on your shoes on Sunday you will realize that you are on a war footing.  The wrong people* figure out how things work on Monday at high noon.  Do not expect them to like it.  Distract them with bullshit logic ("my penis is having its period..." etc.) while you put some distance between your precious skin and the inevitable plasma event.  Stock market short sellers have a tempting coupon deal Thursday at lunch.

Taurus: Never buy gasoline again with a devilishly clever device suggested to you by your Ouija board on Thursday, at midnight.  Maybe a shopping spree on the weekend is called for.  A vigilante gang hidden amongst your neighbors is harvesting package thieves for bootleg human organs.  

Gemini:  A vigilante gang hidden amongst your neighbors is coordinating with rogue police.  A splinter faction arises Tuesday, but awaits your input on Thursday.  You are the Boss.  One of the Nazgul throws you a job, a bit of work.  Show enthusiasm, say HR recruiting influencers, and demonstrate an attractive head shot.  Resume candy for your cartel targeted job search.  

Cancer:  Poltergeists will manifest at locations where your shopping experience was not acceptable.  Just say, 'I am leaving a poltergeist here', and it will be so.  If you want a big show, hold off until Tuesday morning, at rush hour.  Watch from your secret place, the unfinished floor of the office tower. 

Leo:  The Buddhist paradise of lifetime vacation is on your dance card for the prom, Leo.  All meats offered to Baal are vegan.  Go double vegan for social occasions where food is served.   A vigilante gang operates out of a tax preparation kiosk in a familiar shopping mall.  

Virgo: Channel your ruthless ambition into a one hand washes another transaction with time travelers.  Selling arms to both sides is inside the box thinking.  Sell legs, too.  Remote viewing is clear after Tuesday. 

Libra: When you put your shoes on Sunday you will realize that you are on a war footing.  The right people* figure out how things work at high noon on Monday.  There will be a ruckus.  Your sign has a latent taste for gladiatorial sport, Libra.  Your skill in charades translates into Victory for the discerning War Lord.   With miniature golf, the world trembles at your feet.  Start gloating after midnight on Wednesday. 

Scorpio:  The War God is making moves on Jove's thunderbolts.  This is not a subterfuge.  Your domination of boutique sex clips for woke careerists is only a distraction when you smell cedar on an overcast day.  A secret society is the constitutional solution to a perplexing problem in civics. 

Sagittarius:  Gluttony and eating to excess figure prominently in your horoscope this week, Sagittarius.  Be the last to leave work on Friday.  Be Claudius; someone else can be Caligula.  The spirits of White Russians are incarnating in a farm town near you.  The works of Edgar Cayce are hidden in a secret library on the property.  

Capricorn:  Wednesday something falls out of the wall.  Witch hunt Thursday is all about who put something in the wall.  Relax on the weekend.  Who would you put in the wall?  We know you think about this stuff all the time Capricorn.  There is a fresh spot, after all.  This would save money and be a recycling win.  

Aquarius:  Front row seats at the sea battle!  Lucky you!  The computer displays are user friendly.  There is a buffet, which deserves your attention.  Frogmen surface amongst the life boats and start a melee.  Over eating is fun when it includes fruit.  You already know the password for the air lock. 

Pisces: That pain in your back could be an assassins dagger, but you never think that way anymore, do you Pisces.  Shake off the flab of prosperity and put on your hauberk.  Be the smart fish, not the food fish, Pisces.  Other people, they are not very careful themselves, are they?  Watch them this week.  Friday, you realize someone else is putting poltergeists in places with irritating sales staff.  Suddenly remember where your outfit is for weekend jollies. 

* There are two War Gods in the Aquarian Age.  Mars, of course.  And Athena.  Athena has not been around much for the last two thousand years ...  tldr