Horoscope for the week of 7 January, 2024

 The second week of the month of Santa is upon us!  Yes, the pagan gods have returned.  This month is the month of Santa.  Maybe the month long war is a present for a Christmas gift for the special girl or boy.  He has a list, and He is checking it twice.  Sounds like a game of Bomber Harris to me.  By the crackling fire.  Broken glass for tinsel.  The earth cracks. Golf courses swallow the homeless. 

Aries:  Activate Relentless Mode, Aries.  Impediments to your tactical objectives are in the process of being dissolved.  Bargains throw themselves into your shopping basket, even as you tick items off your list.  Opportunities in real estate show up on Monday and Tuesday.  Even the horrors of Wednesday morning will spin off to your advantage.  When you find a ring with a finger in it, expect a reward for the return of the finger, but you can keep the ring.  It will be your size, too.

Taurus: Your new Ouiji board friend can fix parking tickets, handle purchase refunds, and, navigate voice mail.  A collection agent will spontaneously combust when they disturb your necessary relaxation on Thursday.   On your Friday commute, Cthulhu is your co-pilot.  People who violate the principles of good driving are just rubbing themselves down with parsley and lemon.  

Gemini: This pandering to the spirit of the Law chafes your logical mind, Gemini.  These people with their rationalizations are just sewing their mouths shut.  Monday and Tuesday, use your Wordmaster skills to replenish the bobbin.  A regifting of regifted gifts seems oddly appropriate after Wednesday.  Your subconscious is pushing you somewhere.  This mystery revealed a week Monday, but not this week Gemini.

Cancer:  A formless irritation passes on Monday, so a good cope until then is to bunker up and get in some wish fulfilment hours in front of a television.  Media is different now, is it not?  You can sense what is coming on Wednesday; and the heads up is that it will last until Thursday at midnight.  Be smug and superior, Cancer!  A significant amount of plunder comes your way starting at dawn on Friday.  Use your legendary good taste and discernment to feather your nest.

Leo: Last time you checked, the retirement options for Roman worthies included MAiD.  At high noon on Thursday, some senior positions open up, and you, Leo, are on the fast track to success!  You have what they are looking for, but, honestly, do they have what you want, what you deserve?  Caesar is only just on the banks of the Rubicon, so let the ugly ones ramp up their ingratiating.  You are worth more.

Virgo:  Spark up that Ouiji board Wednesday evening, Virgo.  Talents are being handed out, but it is more like snatching things out of a river downstream from a battle.  Make the best choice from available alternatives, so to speak.  And then again, it is all free stuff!  At high noon on Thursday, you will find a long lost possession right back where it used to be.  Your suspicions that it is a space alien artifact are well founded.  Keep your weekend flexible to explore its powers.

Libra: Your taste in henchmen earns you a compliment from the Dark Lord.  Spontaneous human combustion does have a self cleaning feature, which is an advantage.  Nobody likes mess, and if done right, the smoking shoes have all the ashes in them.  Makes clean up a breeze.  And your conscious is clear, because you are working for Santa Claus.  

Scorpio:  Space alien warship crews chew tobacco.  Something about the emotional release of having a good spit after disintegrating something.  Hmmm.  Somehow this will turn to your advantage, and the somewhere and the somewhat will just happen.  You deserve a new look; do not skimp on the shoes nor the accessories.  

Sagittarius:  You know where the nuts and bolts are for the space alien engine assembly.  Keep the coffee machine for yourself.  You have grudging admiration for the guy who sells people on the idea of popcorn for packing material.  Amidst the uproar, at noon on Wednesday, a real estate opportunity!

Capricorn:  Someone just goes goes away suddenly, crossing off a name on your shit list.  Since Santa and you are like minded, you will have the like minded problem of rerouting your supply chain and adapting your logistics.  High noon is on Thursday, indeed; only your part will be in the aftermath, and even more vacancies on your list of things to do.  

Aquarius:  You float on a lotus.  You have access to reading material from another planet, and it is a good read.  From your mountain top things look wonderful.  Even the clouds of smoke rising over the looted malls has a cotton balls in the sky sort of wonder.   You will find bargains at your feet after the melee in the parking lot. 

Pisces:  Henchmen figure prominently in your chart this week, Pisces.  Be a team player and help cut up problems into pieces.  While others panic on Wednesday, relax with a good cup of tea.  You know which way the tide is turning, and being the first to know can be both arousing and terrifying.  And then again, you have to keep your relationship with your henchmen.  You can wear two hats, Pisces, you are so sexy.