Top five poor food choices of the Dark Ages

From the Christmas Kitchen Supplement to the December edition of Serial Killers' Monthly Magazine come the top five poor food choices of the Dark Ages.  

Human flesh.  This low fat meat was often a choice for people as an alternative to Straw (see below).  Rich in gristle means rich in glucosamine, vital to keep you limber during long, unheated, unlit winters.  It was also popular during cultural events, like sieges.  Despite all its good food qualities, it is too rich in sugar and can contribute to late onset diabetes for people reaching their seventies.   

Dog Meats and Sausage.  Eat local advocacy back then promoted the use of fresh Dog intestines for sausage making.  The meat lends itself to stews, gravies, and finger food for sporting events.  The strong taste of wet dog blanket in your mouth complements robust vegetables such as turnips and cabbage.  Unfortunately, dog meat is borderline rich in cholesterol, and could contribute to heart disease.  

Shoe Leather.  On the ascending scale with other leather foodstuffs, shoe leather is softer and easier to gnaw.  Shoes were the most available unused part of corpse clothing during frequent plagues, famines, and, blizzards.  Unfortunately, dangerous levels of salt are present in shoe leather and can contribute to hypertension.  Trodding through dung marinates the shoe in ammonia salts externally; internally, it is basted with sodium based foot sweat.  The arrival of this bouquet of flavor in your mouth is mentioned by journalists, and is thought to be a reasonable woke rationalization for why people ate it.

Straw.  A common 'after the Mall closes' choice for people looking for convenience food in the Dark Ages, Straw lacks the nutritional value of Hay or Human Flesh. Straw was often the last meal of choice for many people in the Dark Ages during periods of weather caused by burning coal a thousand years in their future.  The nearly perfect fiber density of Straw also makes it hard on teeth, contributing to teeth being worn down to pegs.  Before the introduction of sugar, Straw consumption was the leading cause of tooth decay, and a poor food choice for the Dark Ages. 

Beer.  Only legalized recently; during the dark ages, drinking beer meant that you were hanging out with the wrong sort of people, if you know what I mean.  Even in comparison to delicious dog sausage, Beer has a commanding flavor advantage.  This lured people into lives of depravity and close contact with riff raff, louts, and, hooligans.  Criminal racist Irish gangs puppet mastered crime across Dark Ages Europe.  Beer was their gateway drug in their plans of Total World Domination. 

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.  I care.