Our resident astrologer, Sargon the Magnificent, returns this week. What is your future? Only a certified guild astrologer, whose fees are paid up, can tell ...
Aries: You will suffer from premonitions of doom, nightmares, and the walking dread this week. Pay attention to the good people in your life that inquire into your health: they are your true allies and supports. As the week progresses the description of what you fear will take concrete form, but it will appear to be a 'far away, someone elses' problem. By the end of the week you will be drifting into a comfortable state of complacency. As your astrologer, I warn you that the real cause of your discord will be revealed next week, not this week. Circle the evening of Tuesday, January 11th in your calendar, and mark that day with runes of protection, valor, and conquest.
Taurus: Your week begins with you in the middle of a weekend orgy; you will not be paying much attention to time of day or sharing with your social medal chums. Abandon yourself to the pleasures of the last century. One of your partners in lust is a space alien tourist, but only your astrologer told you so. You will take possession of evidence of alien interference in financial markets on Saturday, January 29, but not realize this until, hmmm, next year. Protect your financial records; your are not paranoid enough in this matter.
Gemini: Take comfort in the sufferings of others, for the crumpled fender, leaking condom, and erupting sewage are other peoples' problems. Your job is to listen, feign empathy, and harvest dialogue for your novel. Then, on the evil equivalent of Valentine's Day, Friday, January 14th, you will find your correspondence desk a place of chaos: paper clips attached together, post it notes ill sorted by color, and dry pens lying in ambush to sabotage the recording of the fleeting thoughts of genius, your genius, Gemini.
Cancer: Use your supernatural powers to navigate the angry world of shopping. After the sun sets, you will have the support of angelic forces; but while the sun shines, beware the hissing fury of the Karens, the spawn of Medusa. The evening of Wednesday, January 12th, is especially auspicious; the person in leopard polyester at the end of the aisle is really your spirit guide to bargains galore!
Leo: You are a model of responsibility this week, Leo. Let others admire your crisp efficiency, Elvis era dynamo of charm that you are. You deserve it! Lesser mortals will be improved by your mere presence. Plants and animals evolve towards perfection, nourished by the invisible light that radiates from your energy points. Get rich quick gambling on Wednesday, January 12th. You will come into possession of a tract of land.
Virgo: The law frowns on your natural good hearted habit of running naked in the forest. This week, use your NLP modelling skills to telegraph to people that your are naked, even as your are clothed in comfortable and sensible fashions. Friday, January 14th, this day, known as the evil equivalent of Valentine's Day, you will witness spontaneous human combustion, synthetic fabric variant. Your astrologer knows you are naked under all those clothes, Virgo. People subconsciously hunger for your scented form, and your skilled caress. Feed them slowly, get them used to your control. Make them your pets.
Libra: You will be vexed by the complete set of difficult older people this week, Libra. What does one say to someone when you step on their glass eye? Find their false teeth in your yogurt tub in the office refrigerator? The elevator farting incident? The used, stinking adult diaper in the bin of the conference room? And, horrors!, witnessing elder sex in the sporting goods section of warehouse shopping store... Have hope, Libra. The spawn of your loins is rising up to take the place of these twentieth century primates. This is destiny.
Scorpio: Your well founded fear of insect pests, bugs, is but premotionary warnings for this week, Scorpio. Review Starship Troopers for some insights in the few days you have left before Friday, January 14th. Indeed, for on that day an encounter force of bedbugs will attempt to infiltrate your home, infest your intimate underwear, bedding, and pillows. Only your latex clothing and fetish accessories will be unaffected. Your astrologer gives you this warning in advance. Surround your property with a ring of steel; strip and wash in pine scented dog shampoo all visitors. Trust no delivery package; they are the Trojan Horse for the blood sucking insects and their brain eating amoeba friends that hunger for your flesh.
Sagittarius: You are surrounded by questing souls wallowing in their dharma of the present; alas, could they not join you in your twentieth century paradise? Monday, and Thursday, incidents with the transitory public. Monday, you will be horrified at the eating habits of others; Thursday, someone speaking nonsense will spontaneously combust while you touch an amulet.
Capricorn: Your space alien masters are indeed reptilian. Just goes to show how uninformed the main stream media really is about important issues. Anyhow, get those dragon teeth sewn according to the package instructions. Auspicious for you is Tuesday, January 11th when you survive a consumer riot at a shopping venue. All that built up tension in the masked, boosted, and locked down. Is it 'festival' from Star Trek? Submit to the will of Landru, indeed.
Aquarius: Your cell phone will be able to access extraterrestrial gaming channels this week. Free, of course. Full access comes on Tuesday, January 11th. News, lifestyle, and exceptional bargains will be at your tip of your tentacles. Some extra caution is called for around difficult interactions with the public.
Pisces: Your un-documented pharmacist has some exciting choices in reality tuning drugs. But your secret is safe with me, Pisces: You no longer need drugs to access those special worlds. And on the auspicious, for you, day of Tuesday, January 11th, you will be able to use your powerful mind to move through parallel dimensions. You will be able to describe it better to me after the fact, than I can tell you before the fact.
I, Sargon the Magnificent, Financial Astrologer to the High and Mighty, wrote this.
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