What is in the future this week? The ancient wisdom of astrology is at your fingertips, as channeled by Sargon the Magnificent, gifted Financial Astrologer ...
Aries: You are the Vanguard of Justice, endowed with supernatural powers; the War God follows your trail with the minions named Famine and Fear. Pause, and listen to the earth shake. It shakes for you, Aries. Thursday, Glorious Thursday January 20th, you will don your armor of electrum and crush the enemies of light to the delight of the masses of people gathered. Fear and Hunger are transformed into Joy and Plenty with the strokes of your halberd, Aries.
Taurus: Some serious cleaning is due in your secret storehouses, Taurus. The spilled peppercorns in the kitchen cupboard look like monster rat poops, quite frankly. Hop to it, and have some fun finishing off some unfinished treats that found their way back behind the fondue pot. Dress retro, and cue some pre-Covid dance tunes to impress the returning Archons of the Reptilians.
Gemini: You may have to swap universes with your doppelganger on Tuesday, January 18th. This will happen late an night, so you may just sleep through the ho-hum of inter-dimensional transport. In the early hours of Wednesday, January 19th, the people around you appear to be suffering from deep space psychosis (mind bug variant). Some air lock therapy is called for.
Cancer: Your kitchen calls you to return and prepare the party hors-d'oeuvre for your appointment with destiny on Wednesday, January 19th. Your secret recipe that is really just a few spoons of cocao in the morning oatmeal, will be an unexpected but superlative success with a certain special Wraith you have a crush on. Dress to be undressed for after party sofa fun!
Leo: The full moon augurs duty for you, Leo. Let the old guy deal with the mutants; keeping those fashion statement shoes of yours clean is more important that you realize. You will have fantasy sex with an admirer in the aftermath. Unless your shoes are splattered with gore. So, be motivated.
Virgo: Your appointment with destiny is next week; this week is the week to impose some order and discipline on your piece of the universe. You want to make a good first impression, next week. Tuesday, January 18th: be prepared for rage shopping at the shopping mall. Other people behave badly. Expect no quarter, and give none when it comes to public parking.
Libra: In the early morning of Monday, January 17 you will experience astral projection where you will be given insight into your ongoing sense of social inappropriateness as regards the Plague. You will harvest a well deserved crop of savings on Friday in direct magnitude of your preparations for shopping: bring your own bag.
Scorpio: Sunday, January 16th is a day of destiny for you, Scorpio. You be will armed with the resources you need to advance the collective agenda of the faction you support. On Friday, January 21st the spotlight will shift to another crisis, with you left to deal with the wreckage. You will find treasure in the debris. They won't be needing those gold fillings where they are going, eh what?
Sagittaurus: This week is one of you assuming power for a project that, as time progresses, is revealed to be a swamp of primitive and unevolved obstacles. You will be disappointed by the same old problems. Realize that you are the Righteous Servant of the Greater Good; dealing with certain defined problems is your forte; your destiny.
Capricorn: While the rest of your week you are a model of efficiency, Wednesday, January 19th will become a contender for your shit list of incompetent primate bungling. Expect road rage, parking space pirates, and unleashed spawn with sticky fingers in shopping venues. Do not expect to get things done, Capricorn. In the midst of this baboon troop experience, you will receive strategic insight into fiat currencies. Survive Wednesday; gloat Thursday.
Aquarius: The implications that proceed logically from the nightmate experiences you have on Wednesday, January 19th will drive your unquenchable thirst for Total World Domination. The People need leadership, Aquarius. For the next two thousand years the Planet Earth is in the Aquarius Age. Your age, Aquarius. You are unleashed.
Pisces: The week starts with you eating well, and as the week progresses, you realize you have been stuck with doing the dishes. These people will learn to fear you. As an exercise in distress tolerance, visualize a common American grizzly bear emerging from the pantry to rend their body into bloody hunks of gore, even as it drowns their screams with the powerful bad breath that bears have.
I, Sargon the Magnificent, Financial Astrologer to the High and Mighty, wrote this.
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