Horoscope for the week of 23 January, 2022

Your future is written in the stars.  

Aries: You assume the powers and abilities of The Exalted on Tuesday, January 25th.  The wise will flee from your wrath.  Thursday, January 27th: a distraction is introduced ... commerce.  The sales force is consumed with War Elephant mentality; just what font and size for the runes for your urban fishing spear?  If you hold onto your wallet, someone else will hold onto their fingers.  Weekend whoop-up gets hilarious when an ugly car is eaten by a sinkhole. 

Taurus: Your normal Wednesday meeting with organized crime takes a predictable, but pleasant, turn for the financial when you are gifted with a heart felt thank you and an envelope full of cash.  Do not become greedy, Taurus.  Spring is coming and you can plant all you want in the garden then.  Buy some socks.

Gemini: Early on Sunday, January 23rd, you will have your ability to transmit to the astral realms activated by a Power originating off planet.  Usually it is just you that does the transmit/receive function; this time is different.  Hard quantifiable data needs to get somewhere, and your high capacity, fifty thousand decisions per second brain frame does the job.  On Thursday, January 27th, you will have an appointment scheduled with the War God.  What is under the postage stamp, stays under the postage stamp.

Cancer:  Your raw, powerful sexual nature is dominant for most of the week, starting now, Cancer.  Smooth at first, like the skin of a snake; morphing into the comfortable barbarian that just shouts details of lusty pleasures.   If you can find your watch and retain your sense of location and time when the weekend whoop up starts up,  be warned that the temptations of gluttony and the drunken debauch will accompany you as you stagger from pleasure to pleasure.

Leo:  Cast in the role of barbarian warlord by the fickle public, dress to impress, Leo.  You will have the support of strong character actors.  So, the spiked helm and the leopard cape are not over the top enough for the tough crowd that really hungers for all that you can bring to the stage.  Visualize your opponent as food, dressed in a vest filled with packets of ketchup, mustard, and relish.  They just want you to work up an appetite; then, enjoy!

Virgo:  The Laws of Man stand between you and your desire.  The Laws of Man are corrupt, infiltrated by twisted degenerates and grasping materialists.  Your alliance with an extra terrestrial splinter faction proceeds into the mutual benefits phase.  On Thursday, January 27th, as the sun sets, the Invincible Hero is armed from your personal arsenal and unleashed upon an eternally unprepared pack of miscreants and buffoons.

Libra:  On the last day of this week, Saturday, 29 January, you ability to recall and, with perfect pitch, hum a few bars of the Preobrazhensky March, will impress several mysterious operatives as they disembark from a small submarine close to your home.  A smouldering romance is kindled, to be consumated later in February. 

Scorpio:  Mark Tuesday, January 27th in your calendar.  From that date until Monday, March 7th your ability to achieve is exalted.  The War God likes your style and gives a helping hand.  Your inititative and true grit win you admiring glances and plant the dragons teeth of future acheivement.  You can visualize yourself as a successful U-boat commander out making a fine harvest.

Sagittarius: For you, Total War begins on Tuesday, January 27th.  Your sign Sagittarius means 'horse archer', the state of the art weapons system of the Dark Ages.  Until the introduction of gunpowder, that is.  Your latent skills and ability to work around dangerous equipment are treasured by the servants of the Greater Good.  

Capricorn:  The ho hum of being a minion changes abruptly on Tuesday, January 27th.  The War God exalts himself in Capricorn, and you will inevitably be drawn into a Riders of Doom role.  You would be well advised to study videography of that period for fashion and style notes.  Fur is warm in cold weather.  Thursday, January 29th, communications are manipulated by traitors to the regime.  Keep your eye on who has a white flag hidden in their purse.

Aquarius:  Necessary reforms continue to be thwarted by counter-revolutionaries, capitalists, and criminal elements.  An old ally is resurrected from the dead, but they have their old agenda and, admittedly, time proven methods.  What ring tone should a Ringwraith use?

Pisces:  When you watch fleets of warships burn and sink, your thoughts are for the fish, feasting on bar-b-que.  It was all, sadly, inevitable.  Enjoy the spectacle, Pisces.  Lay in a supply of party snacks to cater to the Roman Senator when their presence is felt, and susequently lost, on Wednesday, January 26th.