Aries: Your complete mastery of the situation is complicated by the secret combination of your two associates in the Triumvirate. Their ability to distract each other is to your advantage, Aries. They will remove themselves to a place far from the center of power, leaving you to advance your agenda with ruthless efficiency, albeit tempered with digression. Wait until after 10 pm Monday to get your car painted
Taurus: You are in danger of contracting disease from someone who does not celebrate western cultural standards of cleanliness. The warnings are there for you to see, be it the cockroaches crawling on the countertop, the stench of unwashed groin, or, the throbbing neck pustules on the beggars. Do not complain, else you risk being labelled a racist; just act, Taurus.
Gemini: You can sell anything this week, Gemini. The problem is the supply of what you have sell. Availability, the boss man calls it. You will have a prophetic dream at 3am on Wednesday. Write down the details for future reference! After sun down on Wednesday night, beware of people driving while asleep.
Cancer: Your association with a goodwill ambassador from the interplanetary aliens aboard 3I/Atlas draws no attention this week, Cancer. It is your secret. Nobody suspects. Attend to health care needs after sunset on Monday. Make copies of keys and passwords on Tuesday at midnight. Lottery tickets are best purchased around 3am on Wednesday. Live large, space friend!
Leo: Ideology collides with reality Tuesday at midnight, Leo. Be strategic where you park your car. Your backyard bar-b-que could be used by devil worshipers for their fire rituals on Wednesday, leaving you with the clean up of the unclean burnt offerings offered up to Baal. If you see a used condom knotted on the door of a public washroom, do not enter.
Virgo: Your partners in crime seem to be drawn from Central Casting. Address your prayers to the Supreme Talent Agent of the Universe: Why am I cast in this Three Stooges production? Wednesday at 3am the identity of Curly, Larry, and, Moe are revealed to you when you are informed that the sewers gone into backwash mode in the office building of the Chief Oppressor.
Libra: While details of the invasion are being worked out by slide rule toting minions, take this moment to contemplate the riding breeches versus kilt divide amongst your warlords. Polished jackboots rarely survive the muddy battlefield, and now, thanks to heat seeking drones, using flash lights is pretty much suicidal on the modern battlefield.
Scorpio: Make a power move and take up smoking again, even if it is only to hang out with the cool kids that actually run things on this planet. On the eve of the big event of Tuesday, you will be contacted by a secret society for your input on the next steps. Meld your ambition for riches and power into this opportunity for public service. Be as self serving as you are selfless.
Sagittarius: You will be contacted at 6pm on Monday and brought into the loop: the secret of what is to happen the next day, Tuesday. Try to be a cool and collected observer and reserve your gloating and evil laugh for when you have some private quality face time with your mirror. Now would be a good time to check your superpower spandex outfit for food stains; you will need it Saturday at 2pm.
Capricorn: All the grisly details are being stored up for your contemplation and enjoyment on various social media platforms, so when you are pulled away from binge watching vengeance clips to attend to earthly details of laundry, meals, and, domestic maintenance. You will have all of the weekend to gloat, Capricorn.
Aquarius: More food for thought on your destiny to become a Satrap comes in this week, Aquarius. If you cannot trust the government, things would be better if you were the government, eh? And how does Elvis come into this picture? This is the detail you will be tasked to explain to your adoring peasants.
Pisces: Your plan to rake in a wheelbarrow of cash using crypto turns out to be completely legal. Just because nobody else commutes to work on on elephant does not mean it will not happen to you in this life, moneybags. While others waste themselves away with anxiety, you are destined to become the big fish. Think plesiosaurus.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
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