Horoscope for the Week

 

Aries: At four in the afternoon on Wednesday, you arrive late to an angry mob scene. Your calm composure and proven good taste in fashion will win you some brownie points. Do not let anyone know that you do not know what is going on to maximize your luster. Remember, world domination begins at  home.

Taurus: Your weekend debauchery will feature an amusingly drunk (er, stoned) time travelling sex tourist. Like the typical time travelling sex tourist, this one just shows up, has fun, and then just goes away. There are some mysterious substances left behind, which you should save for a rainy day, or rather, to aid your escape from a dark universe screen writer. You will know what I mean when it happens. 

Gemini: Friday at sunrise there is a collision between an immovable force and an irresistible object. Only your sign is capable of comprehending the situation which involves nested paradoxes. Anyway, it is easily solved (like most paradoxes), through use of color coded paper clips and brute force. You are the master of chaos.

Cancer: Thursday and Friday, use your powerful mediation and visualization abilities to dissolve some problems in quicklime. Friday favors cutting problems up into pieces and feeding them to the, metaphorical, wolves of Odin. Happy doggie means problems be gone, eh Cancer? Other than that, tag along with Taurus for some weekend debauchery. 

Leo: Somehow, some of your personal electronic devices have acquired strange and powerful apps and capabilities. Remember the underscore in the add_money command, summon rats is not a parking spot finder, and death ray is not a game. Think of the little people, they need good shoes to bring you that desert tray by the pool.

Virgo: Accelerating rates of continental drift casts a shadow over your liege lord's five year plan. Inquiries into age age insurance will run nowhere, and run nowhere fast. Best to stick to asteroid impact preparations. Start with Lake Erie, and look for the high water mark in Caledon; your real estate professional with thank you.

Libra: New standards of exaltation for the next two thousand years are on display all around you, Libra. Just reach out and grab the wonder. Yes, you can have a gilded muscle cuirass, or boob armor.  Perhaps some titanium is called for.

Scorpio: The People receive a wake up call around four o'clock Wednesday, and by midnight Wednesday the 'medicine that tastes bad' that is needed will come to you by indirect association. On the personal level, your place in the matrix is one of suggestion by thought and subtle actions. Maybe rearrange your desk, or sneak off to read a spy novel.

Sagittarius: Acts of kindness by people motivated by spiritual values will give you insight into a problem floating off in the periphery. Obstacles are only there this week to give you time to become stronger, more agile, and, well, just darn impressive!  You can reap more than you expect with re-gifting.  

Capricorn: The sun moving into your sign means things get moving again, Capricorn. For the next two thousand years will  you mark a date this week as the start of your acquisition of occult powers. Apply your standards of perfection to yourself first, and develop indirect methods of motivation.

Aquarius: Terrible things in the news will give you pause to reconsider your outer level methods of herding cats and humans. The answers will come to you around Wednesday when you comprehend the Santa for the Aquarian Age. The alliance between evil religion and evil justice turns to conflict of incompetence. You have the answer, prepare to descend the mountain and just be you.

Pisces: You will be safe and distant from the horrible events that happen around Wednesday, which is still called Christmas. No batteries for the kids toys, the new device that hijacks the air conditioning, and, bug spray that does not work. Santa has a new nature for the next two thousand years. He still brings presents, and he still has a list (which he checks twice), but he has nifty body armor too. This will make sense to you, after the egg nog. 

Horoscope for the week

 

Aries: You will be taking a trip down memory road, at least the one used by tyrants and heroes. Your best fake smile will serve you well, and at least the curly toe slippers with the bell at the tip are comfortable. Monday, tyrants and heroes turn there attention to present reality, and, Wednesday, a whole lot of people take interest in  the wrong lessons from the past. Of course, it is you who should be in the golden chariot, Aries. After Friday when 'glorious leader' puts his/her hand into a metaphorical bandsaw, your due diligence and sensible splatter guard glasses gain the attention you deserve.

Taurus: The ruler of your sign is exalted all this week, Taurus. Your destiny is linked to time travelers and eccentric artists, especially Wednesday at midnight, when a mob of 'normals' takes umbrage at the curtailment of something or the other. Content creators under your direction can prove very helpful, or, very obnoxious. This will be a pattern in your life for the next two thousand years. On Friday expect to score points at a new venue of debauchery. Careful selection of beverages means your toga remains clean, Taurus. 

Gemini: A river of confusion changes course on Monday, leaving you with a river of confusion, still confused, but going another way. Think of it as being a crocodile during flood season on the Nile. The land is not gone, only under water. There is food a plenty amongst the wise papyrus, and for contemplation, the beautiful acacia is pleasant to float under. Wednesday at noon, real things start to happen in the real world, when you notice the flood waters begin to recede ever so gently. A chest will float by with several good ideas for a novel.

Cancer: From Monday at dawn until Wednesday at midnight, you rule. You move in a partially phased in parallel universe where you get things done, and everybody else seems to be sluggish with over eating, or just too much dope. Remember the plan, Cancer. Whoever has the last supplies of coffee and cigarettes will rule, making you the medieval lordling you always thought you should  be. 

Leo: You are favored in lawsuits and dealings with propertied clerics this week, Leo. Friday, as the sun rises, that angry mob on the commute turns to you for leadership, and with your advantage in good looks and charm, expect to advance your agenda. Good deals on healthy food and bulk deals on sea food point towards victory at sea because you are the adult on the bridge when the bad guys make a rash move.

Virgo: You may get the impression that you are in a parallel universe where people have not really advanced to the level you expect in your normal plane of existence. Things become more clear on Monday, except you find yourself in a sunrise in the fog, where the sun can be clearly seen above the mist. Friday, expect many great bargains in things you want, but realize that this is a parallel universe and that wonderful potato peeler is also an alien artifact with advanced powers. Read the instruction booklet!

Libra: The War Goddess Athena finds your outlook on life and personal philosophy attractive, leading to seeds planted for future career advancement. A down on his luck Odysseus personality might  just wash ashore in your purview, so get some brownie points and give the old guy a break. Having a future war lord in debt of gratitude is always a good thing to have. The best day of the week for you to buy a winning lottery ticket is Friday.

Scorpio: Your cell phone is linked to an orbiting alien space ship, which uses your selections of music to power it's Artificial Intelligence, so some judicious selections of traditional and folk tunes will effect change on the planet Earth. Might I suggest 'The Sash', 'What a beautiful morning', or, ' There is a great big beautiful tomorrow'. There are great deals in out of the way places, but be sure to keep your finds in a plastic bag before you wash them. Just saying.

Sagittarius: Unlikely allies appear Thursday, but who cares? Your ends justify the means; if you cannot trust yourself with Absolute Power, then you should spend a bit more time on your personal philosophy. Then again, living in a paradox is a temporary thing, which will lead you to contemplate the usefulness of temporality. Thursday, your mystical side gets a jolt when you are drawn to a small, quiet variety store when you can buy amulets, cigarettes, and, dreams.

Capricorn: Your only problems exist in your imaginary future, not in your bountiful present. They are fog, soon to be dispersed. Develop some patience, you goat. Music and songs have magical effect, so replace your gloomy predictions with some uplifting tunes. Remember that song your Mom sang to you in the womb? Try that.

Aquarius: You should secretly enjoy the negotiation style of the incoming American president. Having the ability to have your opponents dance on a string is the future, and this technique is at your command. Sex tourists from the future continue to complicate your domestic life, and be  sure to sanitize everything. Do it secretly. Avoid public washrooms with used tubes of hemorrhoid cream on the counter. Nobody has wrinkles that bad.

Pisces: Time begin to moves forward finally this week. You will find a relic from one of your dreams close to where you bathe. You may wonder why an object from the middle ages has been transported from the land of dreams to your medicine cabinet, but the fact is that astral  projection is one of your gifts. A nagging voice may encourage you to monetize this (souvenir coins, anyone?) but this materialistic notion will soon pass when leaden Saturn gets out of your sign. 

A message from Santa.  Santa is, of course, a Capricorn, and currently adjusting to his new role in the Age of Aquarius. I was able to get him away from the Mayor's liquor cabinet and asked him for a few words of happiness in this festive season...

Mrs.Claus sold her shares to Elon. I got forced out of my own job. She outsourced toy production to some Russian company. The Russians wanted my stealth tech. NATO cannot find my sled, let alone get a radar lock. Should prove interesting this Christmas. The elves were shipped off as refugees to Canada. Winnipeg. They took to weed and liquor. The money from my payout does not vest until January. I ended up living on the street, then I got sent to a shelter. Never incorporate in Maryland. Rudolph is pregnant. I never knew. 

Horoscope for the week

 

Aries: Something from the past is paraded in your view, outside a window. They look familiar, but although they look like the people from your memory, they are someone else. A powerful alignment of planetary forces builds up to a battle in which you will achieve Total Victory on Friday. Deja vu, eh?

Taurus: Memories of your past lives on the utopian continent of Atlantis will bubble up into your consciousness, triggered by handling familiar things in the present that were also common to your life experience way back then. And some great bargains in skin balms. You radiate.

Gemini: Another week of you can't really go wrong, and you really can't go right. So, really, do what you want, just do not expect the expected outcome. You can figure this out real easy, Gemini. Maybe let someone else deal with unpleasant tasks. You will thank me later. Find out more about one time pads for your secret communications.

Cancer: Your intuition that the designated powers of the gods of the ancients have been shifted around is correct. One hint: Venus is now exalted in Aquarius. For that matter, your responsibilities for the next two thousand years have shifted. This is worth contemplating down at the lounge with your bunkered up buddies.

Leo: The leadership has split into two factions, again. Your suspicions that the leadership is taking the wrong lessons from popular television series (e.g. Wolf Hall) does spark your interests in the Human Resources guru Felix Dzerzhinski . You have to admire a man who sleeps in his office.

Virgo: The spiritual implications of Canada's postal strike have even your practical self pondering Thomas Paine's The Rights of Man. Study the wisdom of the Medieval abbots in Central Europe who brought the health drink beer to the thirsty masses. Things are changing, this being the onset of the Aquarian Age. You will find yourself in charge of a free sex hippie chick commune.

Libra: Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom has work for you. Firstly, she is also a War Goddess now. Hmmm. Certainly better dressed than that Mars guy, and always with a just war, with identifiable bad guys. A relic from ancient Atlantis will find its way to your kitchen.

Scorpio: I hope you have restocked the first aid kit you keep handy. Your skills as a surgeon will come to the forefront, but only if your householders insurance is not up to date. If you want to avoid using the kitchen table for something not approved by vegans, keep the people who smoke stuff in glass pipes away from your power tools.

Sagittarius: Your plans to overthrow the government run into unexpected logistical problems when someone else beats you to the coup. Fear and worry will flee your mind, and be replaced by a certain amount of determination to do better next time. Study of 

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan. Unfortunately, the planning is being done by your subconscious. You feel out of control, but the invisible forces providing the opportunities of your dreams seem to be doing a good job. You do nothing well, and this doing nothing is rather pleasant. 

Aquarius: Time travelers from the future need your input on necessary Agricultural reforms. Access your past life experiences from Atlantis and you will get the job done with such ease and haste that you will be invited back to the portal for a fun filled vacation in a future paradise.

Pisces: If you close your eyes, you can see through the fog. Yes, Neptune has gone direct, but nobody much notices, except you, Pisces. You will be the first to notice, but those around you are either immobile coral or wavy sea weed. You are the big fish, Pisces. And, you have the ability to crawl on the land now. 

Horoscope for the week

 

  Aries: Is the world ready for the realization that Santa has the latest weapons, the will to use them, and, an army of ninja elves eager to obey? Your mission, if you decide to accept it, is to come to grips with this realization yourself.  Tuesday, your research into the geography of Antarctica is rewarded. 

Taurus: Wednesday evening shopping is filled with bargains in electronics that you have been lusting for. Your stash of coupons earns you extra savings; do not forget your 'extra' points card, either. Wednesday night, you will have a dream about water flowing up. Nothing makes sense until you put your shoes and socks in order.  

Gemini: Thursday, you cannot really get things right, and then again, you cannot get things wrong either. Think of it as an exercise in dialectical thinking, Gemini. If you understand that computers are really tiny, evil people, then you will prepared for some email follies, and do not trust your spell checker. 

Cancer: Tuesday, old people get in your way, so be patient. Thursday, prepare to enjoy the suffering of others, especially over age witches with over active aggression. Mind you, there is a fine offering of healthy foodstuffs with plenty of magnesium, which you do need going forward into the winter.

Leo: Your thoughts drift to the spiritual meanings of human sacrifice on Thursday morning during your commute to work. Maybe you are just hallucinating, and the feathered Aztec priests you see lurking on public transit are just late night ravers from a fetish Swiftie party out having a smoke before heading to bed. 

Virgo: Some legal aspects of your planned coup d'etat raise their ugly heads at your splinter cell meeting at the local pub. This collective action stuff does not seem to work with the collective you have been stuck with. Perhaps some lone wolf activism is called for. Alternately, do not be associated with any sort of food orders for the boss, even if you do not like his food taster.

Libra: Hold off on your finishing touches for your toga until the end of the week. While you do look good in the one with purple trim, this might attract the wrong sort of attention. Your fascination with the emperor Aurelian can give you some insights on an upcoming election.

Scorpio: A foreign power has taken interest in one of your neighbors, and will make you a generous offer for locating some trivial item on your property. Thursday morning, a few more of them will show up, leading you to the correct conclusion that they are really time travelers, with an as yet unknown agenda. You get to watch.

Sagittarius: The misapplication of the letter of the law guided by a misapplication of the spirit of the law draws you interest this week, Sagittarius. Things become extra interesting on Wednesday evening when three sets of contradictions find a common point within your observation. Mind you, you can scoop some real bargains in end of season goods during this time. Your cashier will look like Rod Serling. 

Capricorn: Not really too much is happening right now, which bothers you. Wishing you were back in the Dark Ages, when you could light a fire under someone to get them moving, is good to pass the time. Thursday, your gift catalog from Serial Killers' Monthly Magazine arrives. They have fast and efficient shipping. 

Aquarius: You are an atomic powered intellect this week, Aquarius. Even cat herding is within your skill set! You will discover you have powers beyond human comprehension. Maybe take notes and keep track of the control settings for future reference. A craving for Magnesium rich foods will keep your penetrating gaze at full power.

Pisces: The river neither rises nor drops this week, Pisces. Some problems, though, will just sink quietly into the quicksand of your disdain. They will neither sink faster, nor slower, if you interfere. You can watch, but, this will just make you hungry for delicious take out.