Horoscope for the week

Neptune is a lowering tide that exposes scat savoring Socialism, creates a desire to see people alight, conceals propaganda, and selects fresh buffet fare for the endangered ocean lamprey.  Anyone can seed the clouds now. You can read how in the newspaper. That next freak snowstorm with ten meters of snow, just might be your neighbors doing. You can buy the affection of your migrant neighbors, but it only takes a team and an evil scientist to get you a decent snow storm maker machine. The snow is certain; you should prepare. 

Aries: People just light up with enthusiasm Wednesday afternoon. You are The Team. You are just so good at it. You are not effected as many by weather control out of control in the hands of school girls because Dad is at work. The healing planet Mars hunts fish this week. Their organs make good transplant material for people and for pets. You can get in on the supply chain, Aries. Make a few bucks, eh?

Taurus: Your birthday is as good a time as ever for a Show of Strength. Search for portents in a sectarian riot close to where you live. The excitement starts towards midnight on Monday, with your personal invitation to an all you can carry savings event thanks to the tip off from your brothers in the lodge. By sunrise on Tuesday, you will have a year of fashion at your command! 

Gemini: Your design for a collapsible halberd, using PVC tubing and a cleaver, is a hot seller for your e business this week. Your thoughtful nature proves resourceful, as the dozen or so you kept back as Christmas gifts, prove popular gardening tools, especially after the sun sets on Monday. By sunrise on Tuesday, you will be a cigarette smoker, and have a new car. You are Mad Max.

Cancer: You will learn to use the power of your directed thoughts to influence the actions of groups of people within your line of vision of your secret roof top lair. The common people will look to you for hope, especially if you wear your Anonymous outfit, which is just your secret right now. You have food and beer for weeks. Might as well settle in and enjoy Darwin at his work. 

Leo: It is hard to be the hero in a flash mob, but you find a way, Leo. You are just that good! For once, your ghastly stench when you sweat is not captured in film, and you go viral, everywhere upwind. Need less to say, mind control gases include aerosols and fine mists. The sunset on Tuesday proves the start of Festival in your frame of mind. Your parking lot gang becomes rich in groceries.

Virgo: Your interest in spontaneous human combustion proves a useful conversation topic whenever you are waiting in an elevator lobby Monday forward. Be a gentleman, and let the flammable protestors have their own elevator. One of the protestors has left a buttered bagel, untouched, where you can get it. Maybe you should wait for toasted. Your call, Virgo. 

Libra: Your ingenious design, to include a cat and dog feeder into your secret elevator, proves invaluable when  you stagger home drunk, secure in knowing that your secret elevator is also going to feed your pets, too. On Tuesday, sober at last, you will ponder the sixty kilos of meat that has appeared on the elevator pet food storage display. The mystery is solved, with all the style of Napoleonic artillery on Friday. Your elevator is harvesting interlopers for pet food grade protein. And selling their clothes for profit on the internet. 

Scorpio: You are embarrassed to discover a near by neighbor already has an extensive tunnel network under his three bedroom bungalow. He has a den, a brew room, and, trade goods like cigarettes. Swallow your pride and help him move a new pool table down to his subterranean lair on Tuesday. That clever mind of yours is a money making agency, but not when bogged down by nightmares about the cost of concrete. Review your position on slavery for the debating society meeting.

Sagittarius: An extra terrestrial entity, the Asbestos, Tobacco, and, Telemarketing cartel, interrupts your drunken stupor midnight on Monday when you are attempting to forget your sorrows. You will not think much about it, until you realize a subconscious suggestion was placed in your mind at some time in the past. Your obsession is easily slaked when you are invited to join your local Asbestos lodge this Tuesday, at midnight.  You will win the lottery after that.

Capricorn: A pagan river god has chosen you to be their priest. You were wise to avoid the job up to now, but after what happened during the eclipse, you want it. A show of power is good advice to give on Monday at midnight; but by Tuesday you will be opening the tickle trunk that you have kept back for Festival. In the rain it will be so dark that you will know that the alligator returns to Lake Winnipeg this year. 

Aquarius: The Manson Family welcomes you to the community. I am happy for you. The secret society behind the Manson Family invites you to join on Tuesday at midnight. Answer the phone in the elevator because the boss wants to tell you you have done a good job. You will enjoy having goons with you on the days you shop for vegetables, especially Thursday at sunset. 

Pisces: You will be invited to join a reconstitution of International Rescue during a tunneling conference. You are, after all, The Man. Your gift for spending money has drawn the attention of a discerning, yet mysterious, extraterrestrial cartel. Secret agendas overlapping is a good feng shui. What race of men was given birth upon the mountain where you toil? They want coffee with their breakfast, these people.