Horoscope for this week

 Aries: Late Monday be yourself as you choose to push people out of the way. If you are up to being outnumbered in a road rage confrontation, take on that special group of beggars on your weeding list. The smell of fish will tell you you have done a good job. There are good bargains on housewares and concrete at the shopping mall close to the harbor. 

Taurus: An induced psychosis manifests late Monday and will be irritating to your tranquility while you shop for good bargains and excellent quality at your favorite fruit store. You will be lucky at cards on Friday night and come into possession of a new good luck shrunken head to add to your collection. The color and sequence of the beads in its hair will tell you a story, Taurus.  

Gemini: Will a life of luxury and sloth take you away from your life of danger and excitement? You are the perfect man for the task. It is obvious. Around closing time on Wednesday, a flash mob sacks the mall where you get your shoes repaired. Your last minute shopping could be rewarded with pillage. Defectors from the enemy bring the stink of Yankee to your camp.

Cancer: A stocking mask makes a useful backup Covid signaling device when roleplaying an Urban vigilante. Remember to pay yourself first, especially when the fish are running on Wednesday. The price of concrete may be being manipulated by surreptitious secret combinations digging tunnels in your community. Your speculation in grass seed futures pays off ten fold.

Leo: The fate of civilization lies in your hands this week, Leo. On Wednesday, you will face a pack of hyenas. Your heroism will be recorded by surveillance cameras, and become a model for AI produced stock footage of man versus wolf pack. Alternately, make a offering of fish to Ishtar, if you know what I mean. You can enjoy sex robots as much as the next guy.

Virgo: You will enjoy carrying the briefcase with the Secret Plan for World Peace. Take some quality time to make some changes to the numbers in the appendix. This is a great time to indulge in plotting revenge, especially on Wednesday, when there are great bargains at your favorite shopping mall. The square mouth shovel is your friend for most parking lot spills and clean ups. 

Libra: Your secret identity remains secure. Nobody is suspicious about that. However, you have a secret admirer. Quite a few, as a diabolical genius has hijacked you image and used it to program a viral oriental sex sensation. If you see tour bus of asian school girls unload anywhere close to where you are in the parking lot, you should run. If you hear them scream, they are too close, and have recognized you, or more rather, your sex god avatar. 

Scorpio: A medley of Japanese Nationalist tunes can be heard in a shopping mall you do not visit often enough. It has been redecorated with a Shinto theme, and the merchant tenants complement the virtues of thrift, value, and, commerce. Your personal Central Bank is ready to take your orders starting on Wednesday. If you have drinks with a veteran of the Marine Corps at the bar there, you will realize that the place is really a tavern. 

Sagittarius: An unending supply of power is soon to be under your control, all according to your secret plans, Sagittarius. Bravo! Wednesday, the very problems you will ultimately eliminate, flare up, giving momentum to your lazy minions to shift themselves to effort. You can control them with food. Include tunneling in your spring gardening plans. Ask for catnip from the man at the desk.

Capricorn: Make some quick contract cash doing offboarding of other people's problems. Wednesday, your friends at the yacht club miss you, and the rental guy can get you a comp. Replacing the wood in your fireplace with uranium ceramics is a good idea. Your magic power, Capricorn, is to be able to bend telemarketers to your will. 

Aquarius: You will get a surprise call on Wedneday regarding your good ideas about your design of the AI rescue boats. Be prepared with a propeller redesign, and you can spend the rest of the week with babes and martinis. Regardless, some bargains are yours with full pillage pricing event at your local shopping mall. This is why you have the overclocked lap top, Aquarius. 

Pisces: Keep your escape bag packed this week, Pisces. There are vacation specials in all the places you like to go, and you can make a few bucks from your Scorpio friend, the organ broker. Abundance and luxury sit well on your shoulders, and you have Aleister Crowley good looks. As for your secret agenda driven by your secret identity, well, Wednesday is a good time as ever to go full swordfish.