Three planets struggle for domination of the stars. The Piscean cabal of Jupiter and Neptune takes on Aquarian Saturn. The week begins with Mars and Venus in conjunction, at last. The three contenders for world domination have been looking to Mars to spill blood to solve their problems, but Mars has been looking to Venus, instead. Between today and Tuesday, evidence of sinister motives is exposed to public view, giving birth to partisans. On Tuesday, Aquarian Saturn gets a new ally; this faction's ability to communicate will be greatly enhanced. Skilled workers are joining Aquarian Saturn, bringing with them secrets, and denying their talents to the opposition. The discord between Jupiter and Neptune mounts: Jupiter discovers that he is being used; Neptune remains blind to anything beyond his ideology.
Aries: You are the righteous servant of the Irresitable Force. Infinite resources and unlimited power are at your command. Honestly, this is but a training war before the ultimate bout in a few weeks time. Aaaargh! You get groupies and heroic saviour after sex, Aries. Just for you!
Taurus: Get things done, Taurus. Your attention will be dragged over to things administrative. Keep quiet about how much you are making short selling social media stocks. And all that money harvested from fiat currency speculation, er, gardening.
Gemini: A process set in motion on Tuesday will lead to career improvement, embracing some crashed UFO technology that you will come to recognize after the job starts. Your dilemna is to reverse engineer the motivation of the space alien in operations management.
Cancer: The lackeys jump to your commands, children are quiet and well behaved, and the potatoes peel themselves. Only the mind pollution of social media disturbs your tranquility, like an old man with bad breath at an orgy. Another cycle begins on Tuesday, so feed the leftovers to the critters.
Leo: Unreliable computer software does a downer on your exceptional work, your mission in life, on Tuesday. This is a but a delay before your concept goes viral, so smile away as you visualize having some coders crucified. Your ordeal only extends to Thursday.
Virgo: Your exceptional skills at analysis are unappreciated by jugglers and clowns; and the man who calls himself King Dick is more attentitive to the jiggling boobs of his juggler. You suspect office romance; the world will come to the realization that the Ukraine is really working for the Russians soon enough.
Libra: These opportunities for off road romance will only come by in another two hundred and twelve years. Abandon yourself to pleasure, and in that you will discover new pleasures. If the pictures do not develop, then you are having a smouldering tryst with a space alien.
Scorpio: Your business rivals deserve humiliation. How dare they! Everyone else is hacking into municipal computer systems, why aren't you? Because you don't have time for nonsense! A covert inspection of a rivals laptop leads to a gusher of sewage downstream from Pump 212. In that cloud of methane, no one will hear you laugh.
Sagittarius: Doing nothing well was never as important as this week, Sagittarius. The appearance of effort also means accumulation of pensionable hours and the fraternity of the coffee shop and the collective tray of muffins. In the evening, after a long day of doing nothing, there are the diversions of wife swapping. Privileges have club membership!
Capricorn: So many short selling opportunities to get rich quick this week, Capricorn. You have eaten one of the apples of Idun, and you will come to think long term for a change. The child of the prophesy is not conceived until next month, so you can expect to continue to lose socks and underwear in never to be seen again places.
Aquarius: Old books, old writers, and the old way of doing things holds a fascination for you this week, Aquarius. On Tuesday, you exceed fifty thousand decisions per second. Wednesday morning will be interrupted by a mob versus Karen parking spot rage incident, but this will be but a memory in your rear view mirror.
Pisces: If you are buying lottery tickets do not be discomforted when you win, Pisces. Routines will be out the door. Groupies you never knew you had will be dragging their greasy paws on the sweater Mom knit for you. Some people just smell bad; but that bad smell is always the same.
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