What Is Open And What Is Closed In Mitchieville

We are proud to announce that we have flattened the curve in Mitchieville, as cases of WhuFlu are increasing less and less each and every day. Today we have recorded zero cases of WhuFlu, and in the last 14 days we have recorded one singular case.

But now is not the time to ease restrictions, as a matter of fact, now is the time to implement greater restrictions.

Following the lead of the Ontario government, we have decided to keep graveyards closed for Mother's Day. Those of you who have lost a mother and would like to visit their grave this year are prohibited from doing so. We have stationed by-law officers at every graveyard in Mitchieville, and they will issue $750 fines if you are caught visiting your dead mother's grave. Just like in Ontario.

We suggest this year, in honour of your dead mother, you go to one of Mitchieville's 75 ESSENTIAL liquor and beer stores and buy some alcohol which you can consume while in isolation, while crying painful tears of despair as you were not allowed to pay your respects to the woman who raised you, cared for you, and loved you unconditionally,

55% of alcohol profits this and every year from here on in will go to settling refugees from war-torn Zamibia.