Taurus: Tuesday is a good day to buy the winning lottery tickets you have had your eyes on for some time. On the other hand, finding a stash of precious coins hidden near to your domicile will also put a smile on your lips. Wash the mud off the rings to reveal those sparkly diamonds!
Gemini: On Monday your message becomes clear; finally enough people realize that you are on a Mission from God and snap to it promptly. The click of polished boots in obedience to your orders does sound good. On the weekend, an enemy turns to dust.
Cancer: You will have a prophetic dream before you awake on Monday. Pay close attention and act to secure your hearts desire. You are in danger of a flash mob disturbing your shopping on Tuesday. For that matter, you will spot the pattern to these 'flash mobs', understand the secret meaning of 'youths', and adjust your public travels accordingly.
Leo: Communication is clarified starting on Monday. Sewing their lips shut is no longer necessary. Tuesday, and event occurs that will prove important later, in the sense of your agenda of Victory for the Army of Light. Expect a pleasant boost to your ego on Wednesday at 8 pm. Victory at sea is promised for your fleets.
Virgo: Time travel figures prominently in your chart this week, Virgo. Your future self is busy preparing benefits for you on Tuesday, but it might not be some time before you find the treasures hidden below ground level. As for any plants you have in your house, best ask yourself where your future self hide something.
Libra: Snatch victory from defeat when your stronger enemy is taken out by his own troops on Tuesday. Expect to be offered the Imperial Purple on Tuesday, but do not not be distracted from the things you need to do to keep your skin. Study the campaigns of Diocletian for inspiration.
Scorpio: Trust no one. Expect hilarious results when one of your secret enemies eats the wrong hamburger on Tuesday. On Wednesday, as you close a door on a meeting room, do not return when the power fails, as a rival is searching for Medusa with a flashlight. There is a pleasant addition of sculpture to your garden on the weekend.
Sagittarius: The War Goddess Athena has a job for you, Sagittarius. The details arrive on Tuesday. Recruit your own team, with the pleasant addition of a mercenary on Wednesday. You can plot until the weekend, when the advanced weapons arrive by space ship.
Capricorn: Add to your shrunken head collection this week, even as you make preparations for a fresh delivery. If asked on Tuesday, tell them you are making sauerkraut the old fashioned way: in an earthenware pot. Everyone will believe you. This is a good week to hide money underground.
Aquarius: Your old friends from your past life in Atlantis show up this week, looking to relive the good old times. Gosh! Since you forget their nicknames, I will give you a hint: Earthshaker, and, Invisible Bob. The next two thousand years look pretty good.
Pisces: This earthquake this week will be to your advantage. The resultant tsunami will do a better job than municipal services in cleaning the streets ... go figure. An old friend from a past life will show up looking for a body to inhabit. Might I suggest someone from your shit list?
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.