Horoscope for the week

 Aries: Looks like you are in the spotlight this week, Aries. Take your pick: early in the week, you are the one time pad decrypt champ; Tuesday and Wednesday, you are the hero in the kitchen clean up department; Thursday and Friday, the wonderful person who remembers to buy that winning lottery ticket. You are the center of attention at the weekend whoop up. 

Taurus: You are a font of sage investment advice, except for Tuesday, when your earth centered wisdom runs contrary to narrow minded pedants who do not share the big picture. Pay attention Thursday to where Thor's hammer lands: this will be a good place for future investment. Friday, you are in peril of running afoul of Traffic cops looking for ticket revenue.

Gemini: Drinking yourself into a stupor was never really attractive, and this week you will have the opportunity to step over drink sodden bums, and dodge the attention of malodorous street people seeking to clean your windows with stale urine. Your insights will put perspective on your career building agenda, especially when you share public transit with a reeking peasant who could be your bosses twin.

Cancer: Good things happen this week when that alien artifact you keep in your kitchen proves effective at exterminating insect pests. If you are curious about how it works, read up on Klystron tubes and particle beams. Science is fun! Do not sit in the seat that the bedbug infested bum was sitting in at the library. Unless you take your alien artifact with you to public places.

Leo: An opportunity to cavort at an all desires orgy will occur on Friday. Just pretend to resist when the man in the rubber suit pulls you through the hidden door into the chamber that reeks of pot smoke. Avoid dehydration by keep up your liquid intake. As for the 'invasion from space' rumors on Thursday, just ignore them. You have an important orgy to attend, and you will need your rest.

Virgo: Your invitation to a free sex hippie chick commune manifests late in the week, after a few hours into your traditional weekend debauch. Do not let the numerous Manson family posters and MAGA hats distract you from slaking your lusts and indulging in the all you can eat buffet. Where do they get these delicacies? Face it, Virgo, you have the allure of a Greek god.

Libra: Serious matters take up your week, Libra. As for the angry old person driving illegally in a highly inflammable car on Tuesday, just shrug it off and save your flare gun for rescue situations, which is why it is under your drivers seat in the first place. Oh, and on Thursday, your wise investments in a survivalist tunnel prove vindicated by the latest developments in military weaponry. Investments in munitions stocks will pad your retirement nest egg.

Scorpio: Your hidden surveillance system proves itself yet again when you learn the truth about dealing from the bottom of the deck in games of Uno. While your thoughts may wander to disintegration chambers and airlocks, buck up, Scorpio. Even you have a thing to learn about keeping cool at games of chance. James Bond is a Scorpio.

Sagittarius: Front-running the MAGA betting block on Donald Trumps nominees will pay off big this week, Sagittarius. Your hedge bets on a position for Alex Jones will get you some surprise tickets to the Taylor Swift Eras Tour in Vancouver. A senior member of an Organized Crime family will be sitting beside you: take your business card, you wonder person!

Capricorn: When you realize that the drivers on public transit are listening to Rockabilly you will know you have entered a parallel universe. If you want to get back to your universe, I suggest not paying attention and enjoying the fact that you will get where you want to go so much faster. Things are going according to plan, anyway.

Aquarius: An orbiting space fleet is looking for 'native guides' for crew on leave, visiting your town. Wow, what an opportunity to learn about other planets! Mind you, these guys can really pound back the liquor, so take them to some place where 'it ain't fun unless it's action packed'. Do not take them to the dog fights, though.

Pisces: The peace and tranquility you feel is not shared by others. Use a subliminal message tape based on the song 'Oh, What a Beautiful Morning' to brain wash them. It is a great tune, too. Be careful, the other track on the message tape is some sort of Rockabilly used by space aliens to motivate their pilots.  

Horoscope for the week

Aries: Have you made your peace with the immanent return of Elvis, as King? You heard it here first, Aries. Expect basements to flood soon enough, so pad your insurance claim with receipts and move the valuables out. Make sure the one way valve on the sewer line actually works this time.

Taurus: Your time traveling buddies will be vanishing into thin air, except for the new one who just showed up in poor circumstances. This new one is from the future of the ones who fixed your computer. Someone is in for a surprise, but it will not be you. Put aside the magic peas for planting in the spring.

Gemini: The earth trembles at what you about to accomplish! Your enemies scatter like the rodents they are. Watch them fight over economy class tickets for their escape flights! Gloat as they accept no star rating hotels in bad neighborhoods!

Cancer: You will be invited to join a hippie chick free sex commune, located not far from where you live. Your lavish secret lair could be redecorated, and change the default air freshener scent from pine to patchouli. You do have a good supply of black lights, so get some posters, lava lamps, and go full Timothy Leary!

Leo: You should spend more time and money on upgrading your wardrobe to take advantage of regime change. Starting up your own 'raccoon whisperer' site could be a game changer, both financially and in romance. Your ability to charm skunks is not a trait other people have: be careful whom you invite into the pantry.

Virgo: A disinformation campaign comes to an end when the cabal behind it finds itself out of power, exposed, and, fleeing outraged mobs. Being the helpful person who has some feather pillows, tar, and, fixings for placards, will win you some social credit in the new order. Bigly!

Libra: You might want to study the military campaign on Klendathu for some insights into how the old boss is running things into the ground. Keep this in mind when you check the air supply in his escape pod. Of course, replacing those tasty granola bars with condoms and lube would be a nice way to say good bye to the old order. You care, Libra.

Scorpio: A sudden drop in tunneling projects cuts into your cash flow and could downgrade your outlook. Actually, your future is so bright, you need new sunglasses with all the latest features! Inspiration will grab you after your evening whisky, and give you confidence to turn victory into greater victory!

Sagittarius: The viral success of 'raccoon whisperer' accounts will give you pause to reconsider your current high effort project. Maybe you should listen to a 'get rich quick' artist and be inspired to achieve greatness. Thulsa Doom is a Sagittarius. You can leave the changing into a snake for experts.

Capricorn: An important benchmark is passed on your plans for total world domination. Wipe that gloat off your face and save it for your sanctum and your sex kittens. On Thursday, keep your mouth shut in court and let the paid help do the talking.

Aquarius: Things are going to go boom in your world next week, so this week do a sweep of your dusty places for incorrectly stored pesticides and things that detonate. Sweaty candles? They belong in the neighbor's garage. You know which one.

Pisces: Make it happen, Pisces. Supernatural powers are yours to command. Personally, a meditation guided by Rockabilly will guide you to the true enlightenment faster than one of those patchouli standards.