Horoscope for the week

 

 Aries: Despite the angry mob (which you escape with your legendary guile) on Tuesday, Wednesday proves to be an auspicious day for advancement of your fame and reputation. I know that there are things you need to know. This week, you will be transformed to want to know the things you need to know. Look to comic books and old movies for enlightenment.

Taurus: There is a great big beautiful tomorrow for you Taurus in the twenty first century. The future is already here, for the most part. You will discover one of those big pottery ash trays that people used to keep on their coffee tables in the 1950's. It is really an alien artifact, and emits an energy ray auspicious for your enlightenment.

Gemini: You should brush up your knowledge about encryption using one time pads. It will come up during casual conversation at the office kitchenette; having an opinion about the Cambridge 'Ring of Five' will pay off in spades. You never know who is listening really, but in this case it is a well financed organization looking for talents just like you, Gemini! Expect the unexpected, you will obtain enlightenment.

Cancer: Your reasonable fears of space invasion by intelligent insects can now be laid aside, Cancer.  Look at all the loot you have collected to deal with this now past problem. Impressive. Also, your preparations for Total War, can now be repurposed into some elegant leisure space, complete with tasteful furnishings and ample supply of refreshments. 

Leo: Like the house cat before the earthquake, you feel that change is coming. The fact you do not know exactly when, nor in what shape it will take. It is irritating. You will be pleasantly surprised at the outcome, but the process will be unexpected and hence irksome. Wednesday, paperwork goes in your favor.

Virgo: Your reasonable fears of social chaos brought on by plague can now be laid aside, Virgo. The orbiting space fleet of intelligent insects have all died of a high sugar, high salt diet of filched earth food, and their ships are being drawn into the Sun. Things get complicated on Monday, so unless you are taking notes for your screenplay, you might get muddled.

Libra: You do realize that these super star concerts will continue for the next two thousand years, and your ability to project future costume trends will become quite rewarding. Power up your colored pencils and put some of your genius on paper, Libra. You can anchor down things in a swirling world. Used your secret color coded paper clips.

Scorpio: It is the process and not the outcome you do not like. I do not blame you. Thursday, after midnight, (like, early Friday morning) debauchery beckons, with an early encounter with an old man in a wet suit, then some problems with computers. Your suspicions about the old man are insightful towards future problems with remote storage devices.

Sagittarius: Wednesday is really good for you, Sagittarius. If you are going to duel a rival in love, you will win with a flourish and a clever move with a dagger that your learnt from a book written in Spanish. Otherwise, the same result occurs, but no need of recourse to getting your clothes mended and dry cleaned. 

Capricorn: With great relief, Pluto has exited your sign Capricorn. The feeling is mutual, actually. You Capricorns are tough to smelt. Anyway, having been transformed (compare who you were twenty years ago to who you are now), you can look forward to a rewarding crawl out of the gutter and up the mountain of accomplishment. Your week is filled with exotic pleasure, but do not tell anyone how much you enjoy yourself. 

Aquarius: Your are ahead of your time, and your mission is to nudge into manifestation the Age of Aquarius. The War God will soon tire of playing with tin soldiers and you will push forward, after Wednesday. Advances in agriculture and awareness of nutrition will assist you in strange ways this week. Maybe try something new.

Pisces: You will be drawn to large bodies of water for a final message from the Supreme Librarian of the Universe. Nothing overdrawn, I hope. Aside from administriva, just be patient and you will get your Book of Wisdom through inter library loan. You are on the notification list. Wednesday, be sure to pull the plug on any appliances your are attempting to repair.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.

Horoscope for the week

 Aries: Looks like you are in the spotlight this week, Aries. Take your pick: early in the week, you are the one time pad decrypt champ; Tuesday and Wednesday, you are the hero in the kitchen clean up department; Thursday and Friday, the wonderful person who remembers to buy that winning lottery ticket. You are the center of attention at the weekend whoop up. 

Taurus: You are a font of sage investment advice, except for Tuesday, when your earth centered wisdom runs contrary to narrow minded pedants who do not share the big picture. Pay attention Thursday to where Thor's hammer lands: this will be a good place for future investment. Friday, you are in peril of running afoul of Traffic cops looking for ticket revenue.

Gemini: Drinking yourself into a stupor was never really attractive, and this week you will have the opportunity to step over drink sodden bums, and dodge the attention of malodorous street people seeking to clean your windows with stale urine. Your insights will put perspective on your career building agenda, especially when you share public transit with a reeking peasant who could be your bosses twin.

Cancer: Good things happen this week when that alien artifact you keep in your kitchen proves effective at exterminating insect pests. If you are curious about how it works, read up on Klystron tubes and particle beams. Science is fun! Do not sit in the seat that the bedbug infested bum was sitting in at the library. Unless you take your alien artifact with you to public places.

Leo: An opportunity to cavort at an all desires orgy will occur on Friday. Just pretend to resist when the man in the rubber suit pulls you through the hidden door into the chamber that reeks of pot smoke. Avoid dehydration by keep up your liquid intake. As for the 'invasion from space' rumors on Thursday, just ignore them. You have an important orgy to attend, and you will need your rest.

Virgo: Your invitation to a free sex hippie chick commune manifests late in the week, after a few hours into your traditional weekend debauch. Do not let the numerous Manson family posters and MAGA hats distract you from slaking your lusts and indulging in the all you can eat buffet. Where do they get these delicacies? Face it, Virgo, you have the allure of a Greek god.

Libra: Serious matters take up your week, Libra. As for the angry old person driving illegally in a highly inflammable car on Tuesday, just shrug it off and save your flare gun for rescue situations, which is why it is under your drivers seat in the first place. Oh, and on Thursday, your wise investments in a survivalist tunnel prove vindicated by the latest developments in military weaponry. Investments in munitions stocks will pad your retirement nest egg.

Scorpio: Your hidden surveillance system proves itself yet again when you learn the truth about dealing from the bottom of the deck in games of Uno. While your thoughts may wander to disintegration chambers and airlocks, buck up, Scorpio. Even you have a thing to learn about keeping cool at games of chance. James Bond is a Scorpio.

Sagittarius: Front-running the MAGA betting block on Donald Trumps nominees will pay off big this week, Sagittarius. Your hedge bets on a position for Alex Jones will get you some surprise tickets to the Taylor Swift Eras Tour in Vancouver. A senior member of an Organized Crime family will be sitting beside you: take your business card, you wonder person!

Capricorn: When you realize that the drivers on public transit are listening to Rockabilly you will know you have entered a parallel universe. If you want to get back to your universe, I suggest not paying attention and enjoying the fact that you will get where you want to go so much faster. Things are going according to plan, anyway.

Aquarius: An orbiting space fleet is looking for 'native guides' for crew on leave, visiting your town. Wow, what an opportunity to learn about other planets! Mind you, these guys can really pound back the liquor, so take them to some place where 'it ain't fun unless it's action packed'. Do not take them to the dog fights, though.

Pisces: The peace and tranquility you feel is not shared by others. Use a subliminal message tape based on the song 'Oh, What a Beautiful Morning' to brain wash them. It is a great tune, too. Be careful, the other track on the message tape is some sort of Rockabilly used by space aliens to motivate their pilots.  

Horoscope for the week

Aries: Have you made your peace with the immanent return of Elvis, as King? You heard it here first, Aries. Expect basements to flood soon enough, so pad your insurance claim with receipts and move the valuables out. Make sure the one way valve on the sewer line actually works this time.

Taurus: Your time traveling buddies will be vanishing into thin air, except for the new one who just showed up in poor circumstances. This new one is from the future of the ones who fixed your computer. Someone is in for a surprise, but it will not be you. Put aside the magic peas for planting in the spring.

Gemini: The earth trembles at what you about to accomplish! Your enemies scatter like the rodents they are. Watch them fight over economy class tickets for their escape flights! Gloat as they accept no star rating hotels in bad neighborhoods!

Cancer: You will be invited to join a hippie chick free sex commune, located not far from where you live. Your lavish secret lair could be redecorated, and change the default air freshener scent from pine to patchouli. You do have a good supply of black lights, so get some posters, lava lamps, and go full Timothy Leary!

Leo: You should spend more time and money on upgrading your wardrobe to take advantage of regime change. Starting up your own 'raccoon whisperer' site could be a game changer, both financially and in romance. Your ability to charm skunks is not a trait other people have: be careful whom you invite into the pantry.

Virgo: A disinformation campaign comes to an end when the cabal behind it finds itself out of power, exposed, and, fleeing outraged mobs. Being the helpful person who has some feather pillows, tar, and, fixings for placards, will win you some social credit in the new order. Bigly!

Libra: You might want to study the military campaign on Klendathu for some insights into how the old boss is running things into the ground. Keep this in mind when you check the air supply in his escape pod. Of course, replacing those tasty granola bars with condoms and lube would be a nice way to say good bye to the old order. You care, Libra.

Scorpio: A sudden drop in tunneling projects cuts into your cash flow and could downgrade your outlook. Actually, your future is so bright, you need new sunglasses with all the latest features! Inspiration will grab you after your evening whisky, and give you confidence to turn victory into greater victory!

Sagittarius: The viral success of 'raccoon whisperer' accounts will give you pause to reconsider your current high effort project. Maybe you should listen to a 'get rich quick' artist and be inspired to achieve greatness. Thulsa Doom is a Sagittarius. You can leave the changing into a snake for experts.

Capricorn: An important benchmark is passed on your plans for total world domination. Wipe that gloat off your face and save it for your sanctum and your sex kittens. On Thursday, keep your mouth shut in court and let the paid help do the talking.

Aquarius: Things are going to go boom in your world next week, so this week do a sweep of your dusty places for incorrectly stored pesticides and things that detonate. Sweaty candles? They belong in the neighbor's garage. You know which one.

Pisces: Make it happen, Pisces. Supernatural powers are yours to command. Personally, a meditation guided by Rockabilly will guide you to the true enlightenment faster than one of those patchouli standards.