Horoscope for the week

  

 

 

 

Aries:  Your ability to see the big picture is offset by the inability of others to comprehend the big picture. Expect to be given dumb advice, direction, and, orders, especially at the start of the week, but tapering off as the week develops. Indulge in your manifestation of incompetence when you find yourself fighting on the wrong side. 

Taurus: Tuesday is a good day to buy the winning lottery tickets you have had your eyes on for some time. On the other hand, finding a stash of precious coins hidden near to your domicile will also put a smile on your lips. Wash the mud off the rings to reveal those sparkly diamonds!  

Gemini: On Monday your message becomes clear; finally enough people realize that you are on a Mission from God and snap to it promptly. The click of polished boots in obedience to your orders does sound good. On the weekend, an enemy turns to dust.

Cancer: You will have a prophetic dream before you awake on Monday. Pay close attention and act to secure your hearts desire. You are in danger of a flash mob disturbing your shopping on Tuesday. For that matter, you will spot the pattern to these 'flash mobs', understand the secret meaning of 'youths', and adjust your public travels accordingly.

Leo:  Communication is clarified starting on Monday. Sewing their lips shut is no longer necessary.  Tuesday, and event occurs that will prove important later, in the sense of your agenda of Victory for the Army of Light. Expect a pleasant boost to your ego on Wednesday at 8 pm.  Victory at sea is promised for your fleets.

Virgo: Time travel figures prominently in your chart this week, Virgo. Your future self is busy preparing benefits for you on Tuesday, but it might not be some time before you find the treasures hidden below ground level. As for any plants you have in your house, best ask yourself where your future self hide something.

Libra: Snatch victory from defeat when your stronger enemy is taken out by his own troops on Tuesday.  Expect to be offered the Imperial Purple on Tuesday, but do not not be distracted from the things you need to do to keep your skin. Study the campaigns of Diocletian for inspiration.

Scorpio: Trust no one. Expect hilarious results when one of your secret enemies eats the wrong hamburger on Tuesday. On Wednesday, as you close a door on a meeting room, do not return when the power fails, as a rival is searching for Medusa with a flashlight. There is a pleasant addition of sculpture to your garden on the weekend.

Sagittarius: The War Goddess Athena has a job for you, Sagittarius. The details arrive on Tuesday. Recruit your own team, with the pleasant addition of a mercenary on Wednesday. You can plot until the weekend, when the advanced weapons arrive by space ship.

Capricorn: Add to your shrunken head collection this week, even as you make preparations for a fresh delivery.  If asked on Tuesday, tell them you are making sauerkraut the old fashioned way: in an earthenware pot. Everyone will believe you. This is a good week to hide money underground.

Aquarius: Your old friends from your past life in Atlantis show up this week, looking to relive the good old times. Gosh! Since you forget their nicknames, I will give you a hint: Earthshaker, and, Invisible Bob. The next two thousand years look pretty good. 

Pisces: This earthquake this week will be to your advantage. The resultant tsunami will  do a better job than municipal services in cleaning the streets ... go figure. An old friend from a past life will show up looking for a body to inhabit. Might I suggest someone from your shit list? 

 

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.  

Horoscope for the week

Aries: You are pretty much left alone until dual situations erupt after sunset on Thursday. Social media will invite you into a co-dependent relationship which only seems to serve people who are unbalanced by ... social media. Technology that serves the plutocracy will find its way into your hands. 

Taurus: Wednesday your experiences at your favorite shopping mall will be negative when an unruly flash mob descends and sacks several of your favorite stores. This will trigger some past life memories of Scottish raids on your livestock.  You can take precautions, of course. Paint your skin blue with woad and have a selection of bagpipe melodies ready for your bluetooth. 

Gemini: Time travelers figure prominently in your horoscope this week, Gemini. Your ability to direct printers and database file sharing with telekinesis will come to your awareness. The social unrest that erupts on Friday will prove to your advantage as the time traveler in your midst will pass you a collection of useful software tools from the future age of Elvis.

Cancer: Best get all your provisions in before Tuesday at midnight as that is when Festival starts. Mind you, your capacity for schadenfreude will prove entertaining as you recognize the various debris fields and smoldering wrecks on your commute. Your past life memories of the rabies epidemic of 1322 in Westphalia will be triggered. Remember, you cannot set boundaries with someone foaming at the mouth. 

Leo: Your subconscious planning for Total World Domination gets a boost with a pleasant discovery at your public library. Good thing you have a library card, Leo!  Monday morning starts off with a pleasant breakfast, which is foreshadowing of the future paradise to come under your regime. If people want to spontaneously combust, let them. 

Virgo: Distractions continue until Thursday, when the realization that you are being prepared for your role as Tribune of the Revolution comes to the forefront of your consciousness. Sea battles figure prominently towards the end of the week, but being given the command of a ship that sank at its berth is not the recognition you are due. That comes next week, when meritocracy returns.

Libra: Your neighborhood erupts in conflict as reactionaries take on elitists.  The bullshit flows deep, but it does wonders for gardening and sweeping away eye sores. Best advice is to keep your focus on home and community. The madness will pass and only has the illusion of permanence. 

Scorpio: Making money is really secondary to having objects that make your happy, is this not true Scorpio? Several opportunities to obtain objects that give you joy will happen this week. These will take the form of new tech, and the crumbling of buildings. Think real estate opportunities and a cell phone app that makes you money. 

Sagittarius: Unlike the scenes you see on your television, you are surrounded by good people on Monday and Tuesday.  Get your shopping and errands done on those days, Sagittarius. You will be invited to drive the escape car for a bank robbery on Thursday, so have some fast banjo music queued up on your sound system. As for the orgy in the hallway of the motel, just tell yourself it is a symptom of the Syphilis.

Capricorn: Things you have been held back from all your life will we offered to you this week, Capricorn. You will be contacted by time travelers on Wednesday and invited to join the crew of their research colony. As for the social chaos that is sweeping like a tsunami across the planet, well, they asked for it, eh?  Someone has to pick up the pieces, and if one of those pieces is an original Renoir, then it belongs in your lair. 

Aquarius: Review the movies of Audrey Hepburn for insight into the present situation. You need to design a decent logo for your movement; but do not worry about uniforms as there is a cell phone app for that. You do realize that establishing new boundaries for the Aquarian Age is your job. Get to work.

Pisces: You can be practical and dreamy at the same time.  It is a requirement, actually, for you Pisces. In a world without the limitations that shackled the past, you will find your past life memories of the Devonian period the best guide. Remember how happy plants were to develop roots? The time is now to visualize the future and use your supernatural powers to make it so. Enjoy. 

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.