Horoscope for the week of 20 July, 2025
Aries: Prepare to shocked by a public scandal on Wednesday. All sides involved will have different evidence to give, and emotions will run high, provided they can be leveraged to advantage. This dip into the cesspool of moral turpitude will occur under the shadow of syphilis, either to be transmitted through degenerate acts, or as the impulse for the debauchery. Afterward, after disinfecting yourself, you will feel smug and superior.
Taurus: Take advantage of the distraction of the sack of your not quite favorite shopping mall to spot some bargains. Possibly, clothesline a looter and relieve them of their spoils. Be sure to put any booty through the 'bedbug' cleaning cycle, and this includes everyone you give a ride in the trunk of your car. Someone else might just have a change of perspective on renting out the basement, but the time is not ripe for you to move forward your plans for your plantation just yet.
Gemini: On your trip to Paris this week, beware of a casual meeting with 'Natasha': she is really the dark universe Audrey Hepburn. There are more of them as you will find out to your horror on Wednesday when you are induced to walk through a trans dimensional portal disguised in a museum setting. The upside is you will end up with an original painting from the Flemish school. Nobody will believe you, as the paint is still drying.
Cancer: The week begins with a boom on Sunday at noon when people in your area begin to spontaneously combust. Just the people on your proscription list, actually. This is a remarkable mystery which is only explained to your satisfaction around four in the afternoon on Tuesday, when the responsible constabulary determines that you are not who they are looking for, which can be attributed to your gosh darn good looks and legendary cool under pressure, rather than logic based detective work.
Leo: Clarity and purpose return on Wednesday. If you can be precise and remember the time when this happens, you can be sure that on Friday a valuable, a powerful amulet will come your way. You might not be sure how to wield this relic of Atlantis, but your friendly neighborhood astrologer will be happy to show you the power settings and general 'how to' of your new keepsake.
Virgo: The nature of wonderful changes on Wednesday for you, Virgo. Instead of being in charge, you get to be admired for being in charge. If you want to retain total control of your projects, work alone. Otherwise, the crowd will attempt to push you around with their hidden agendas (which are hidden from themselves, until Friday around quitting time).
Libra: You are moving backwards into a predictable crisis, which happens on schedule on Wednesday. You can be confident that the meanings of words will change, and the people playing wordsmith have emotional agendas. Admit to yourself that you are the most desirable, as this will cast some insight on the prickly outer nature of the random stranger who really just wants to slake their lusts in your embrace.
Scorpio: Hefting around a wheelbarrow of money might just give you a muscle strain, or your fingers will get sore counting bills. Wash your hands after handling your cash as there are germs there. Expect to find at least a few counterfeit bills as a prankster thinks replacing Grant with Robert E. Lee is a hoot. For that matter, Confederate money is worth more than face value now a days, so the prophecy is being fulfilled. You know what to do.
Sagittarius: Your dispensations receive divine resources; you are the agent of the Supreme Librarian of the Universe this week. Road rage will happen around you on Wednesday, but just drive on by the burning wreckage ... let the SWAT team do their job. For that matter, some excitement at the shopping mall as a Scottish uprising puts the place to the sack. Either march to the sound of the pipes, or go the other way.
Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan. Your legendary campaign of self improvement is paying off, and glimmers of future glory are becoming apparent. Put aside some time for gloating on Wednesday. A sinkhole is forming underneath the house of someone on your enemies list, but will not open up until after this week. Avoid talking about sinkholes with this person: do not ruin the surprise.
Aquarius: Your future self, time traveling back to your present, has a need for conversation and consolation. This will make casual meet ups at your local drinking hole quite significant. The excitement of Wednesday will not splash on you, and your future self can shed some profound insights on the fate of the notables of today.
Pisces: You are in league with the Archons of Atlantis who have tapped into your computer. Your opportunity is to be found in the advertising on your computer, which will give you a portal into products and services from advanced civilizations. Might I suggest the hover car? And some of the cell phone apps are useful and fun.
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.
