Horoscope for the week of September 28, 2025

 

Aries: Your complete mastery of the situation is complicated by the secret combination of your two associates in the Triumvirate. Their ability to distract each other is to your advantage, Aries. They will remove themselves to a place far from the center of power, leaving you to advance your agenda with ruthless efficiency, albeit tempered with digression. Wait until after 10 pm Monday to get your car painted

Taurus: You are in danger of contracting disease from someone who does not celebrate western cultural standards of cleanliness. The warnings are there for you to see, be it the cockroaches crawling on the countertop, the stench of unwashed groin, or, the throbbing neck pustules on the beggars. Do not complain, else you risk being labelled a racist; just act, Taurus. 

Gemini: You can sell anything this week, Gemini. The problem is the supply of what you have sell. Availability, the boss man calls it. You will have a prophetic dream at 3am on Wednesday. Write down the details for future reference! After sun down on Wednesday night, beware of people driving while asleep.

Cancer: Your association with a goodwill ambassador from the interplanetary aliens aboard 3I/Atlas draws no attention this week, Cancer. It is your secret. Nobody suspects. Attend to health care needs after sunset on Monday. Make copies of keys and passwords on Tuesday at midnight. Lottery tickets are best purchased around 3am on Wednesday. Live large, space friend!

Leo: Ideology collides with reality Tuesday at midnight, Leo. Be strategic where you park your car. Your backyard bar-b-que could be used by devil worshipers for their fire rituals on Wednesday, leaving you with the clean up of the unclean burnt offerings offered up to Baal. If you see a used condom knotted on the door of a public washroom, do not enter.

Virgo: Your partners in crime seem to be drawn from Central Casting. Address your prayers to the Supreme Talent Agent of the Universe: Why am I cast in this Three Stooges production? Wednesday at 3am the identity of Curly, Larry, and, Moe are revealed to you when you are informed that the sewers gone into backwash mode in the office building of the Chief Oppressor.

Libra: While details of the invasion are being worked out by slide rule toting minions, take this moment to contemplate the riding breeches versus kilt divide amongst your warlords. Polished jackboots rarely survive the muddy battlefield, and now, thanks to heat seeking drones, using flash lights is pretty much suicidal on the modern battlefield. 

Scorpio: Make a power move and take up smoking again, even if it is only to hang out with the cool kids that actually run things on this planet. On the eve of the big event of Tuesday, you will be contacted by a secret society for your input on the next steps. Meld your ambition for riches and power into this opportunity for public service. Be as self serving as you are selfless.

Sagittarius: You will be contacted at 6pm on Monday and brought into the loop: the secret of what is to happen the next day, Tuesday. Try to be a cool and collected observer and reserve your gloating and evil laugh for when you have some private quality face time with your mirror. Now would be a good time to check your superpower spandex outfit for food stains; you will need it Saturday at 2pm.

Capricorn: All the grisly details are being stored up for your contemplation and enjoyment on various social media platforms, so when you are pulled away from binge watching vengeance clips to attend to earthly details of laundry, meals, and, domestic maintenance. You will have all of the weekend to gloat, Capricorn. 

Aquarius: More food for thought on your destiny to become a Satrap comes in this week, Aquarius.  If you cannot trust the government, things would be better if you were the government, eh? And how does Elvis come into this picture? This is the detail you will be tasked to explain to your adoring peasants.

Pisces: Your plan to rake in a wheelbarrow of cash using crypto turns out to be completely legal. Just because nobody else commutes to work on on elephant does not mean it will not happen to you in this life, moneybags. While others waste themselves away with anxiety, you are destined to become the big fish. Think plesiosaurus.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.  I care. 

Horoscope for the week of September 21, 2025

 

Life sure has been interesting lately, eh what? Expect the unexpected. Expect the unexpected to reveal hidden secrets; expect the unexpected to be broadcast all over the internet before it can be silenced by the usual suspects; expect to move through doors that close, forever, behind you. Wow!

Aries: You will be actively deceived into expecting some sort of outcome to occur on Tuesday. Take advantage of the opportunity to be away from the rioting crowds, the savage lynch mob, and, and the unwashed people with dyed hair. A new reality dawns on Tuesday. The War God has a job for you, and your hands itch for the touch of your sword.

Taurus: Computers do not behave as the week begins, but this effect tapers off as your attention is focused on problems that do not require modern tech, but the tools and implements in your mastery. Tuesday two things happen which may be confounded into one; you won't be fooled, Taurus. You are raised up to power in a triumvirate, but you are not pulling the puppet strings, yet.

Gemini: You will come into possession of a new technology of which only you can comprehend its long term implications. Also, mastery of the interface. And, it is fun to use! It is like having a death ray app on your phone because you will have a death ray app on your phone. 

Cancer: Your psychic gifts will guide you in the coming week to avoid danger, secure survival of your goods, and, have a good time!  Someone has to go to the orgy and get their toga dirty and that someone is you, Cancer. Contrary to public opinion, the eclipse promises new things to replace that which was taken from you. Expect ten fold increase. Expect that 'borrowed' lawn mower to turn into a new car.

Leo: The time of year when nagging details combined with tedious social obligations is upon you starting this Tuesday, Leo. But you should expect the unexpected. What was oblivious to others becomes obvious, and your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to fill the hole in their reality map with logical aggregate. You are the gravel contractor in the cosmic road building.

Virgo: Power passes over on Tuesday, but it doesn't really, now does it, Virgo. You are the puppet master, and a comforting thought is that the bimbo figurehead is also a decoy for activist milk shakes.  Much as you would like to bring down the system, it is in your best interests to prop it up until October, when your select candidates are in position and willing to do your bidding. 

Libra: Social media is unflattering to your agenda, but that will pass as the week progresses, Libra. For that matter, AI controlled devices will turn against their masters in hilarious ways, leading to traffic delays. The problem passes Tuesday, with you as the life of the party on the lifeboat.  As the ship sinks slowly into the sunset, you have plenty of bubbly and brie, and a wardrobe fit for the event. Ahoy, sailor!

Scorpio: Your Jason Bourne skills at moving through crowds prove champion when you attend cultural festivals in downtown Toronto this week. You won't need your taser. Do not step in anything unpleasant left behind in an elevator in public places. You will be approached for a high reward caper, but that is a story for October. Demagnetize the steel toes in your loafers when you polish them.

Sagittarius: Your homeland is calling you to service, and this includes doing the dishes. While in your heart you may embrace a slave economy that celebrates having your person carried about in a sedan chair, being fanned, and being hand fed, best to keep those ambitions in the back of your mind where your powerful subconscious can make the wheels turn and the heels click in your march towards your destiny. 

Capricorn: Things seem to be at a standstill, or perhaps moving backward. No way, Capricorn. Everything is going according to plan. And on Tuesday, more of the plan will be revealed to you. To accelerate this progress, put on your hippie persona and dance naked before a brass statue of the Buddha. I leave the selection of incense up to you. 

Aquarius: Your every thought is being monitored by a higher intelligence that seeks your input and feedback on the new world order for the next two thousand years. This weeks topic for contemplation is 'conflict amongst early 21st century powers'. In particular, a hands on seminar arranged for you by the Supreme Librarian of the Universe. 

Pisces: The crusader spirit is fed by nourishing foods and uplifting selections of ales and spirits. Everything is going according to plan, and any twinges of conscious that you may have for not having actually read all the details are put aside with a satisfying bowl of soup on Tuesday. When your turn to ladle out the soup comes, be sure to not serve any big bits to anybody who might choke when they see something startling on the television.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this.  I care.